Cameron’s Football, Osborne’s Taxes and Jeb Bush

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In a surprise u-turn, Lambeth Council has gone back on plans to cancel this year’s Brixton Splash. However, the new version of events proposed is not expected to please those hoping to save the one day street festival in it’s original format.

The significant changes include water polo in the lido, a hunt in Brockwell Park and croquet on the lawns opposite St.Matthews Church. Sound-systems and reggae are to be banned.

Spokesperson Ken Slippery was keen to outline the reasoning behind the new approach.

“We felt the festival was the complete opposite of everything that’s happening to gentrify the area. This was actually deepening the values of ‘old Brixton’ at a time when we’re trying to get rid of them once and for all. It was threatening to get as big as Carnival. We don’t want that.”

He added: “I was at the boat race last year and as I looked across Putney Bridge I thought wouldn’t it be great if Splash was more like this. Drinking Pimms and gin is much more socially acceptable than smoking weed. We’re trying to invoke the spirit of Harry J Anslinger as much as we can as we feel this far better represents the new face of Clapham North.”

Brixton resident Giles Doyle-Rogers was very excited by the new plans.

“I always love telling my fiends I live in Brixton and it makes me feel really cool and edgy. But let’s be honest some of those coloured people are really scary.”

Prime Minister wants ball back

When first his marbles and then his kite went missing David Cameron took it on the chin, but now that Boris Johnson has possession of his football, he’s had enough.

“This isn’t the first time my ball has ended up in his garden while having a kickaround and while he usually messes around a bit, he always kicks it back to me in the end,” Cameron snivelled through heavy, irregular breaths, his quivering lower lip revealing him dangerously close to tears.
“But this time, instead of kicking it back, or even having a little kick around, he just picked it up, looked at me while flashing this sinister, triumphant smile just to let me know that he knew I’d seen him, and then ran away. If he doesn’t give it back I’m telling sir and I don’t care if get called names because of it. It’s especially unfair seeing as last summer he broke our window with his rugby ball and didn’t even say sorry.”
After he told, and enjoyed telling, repeated attempts by the prefects, then the teachers, and finally the head failed to calm little David down. A potentially soothing glass of lemonade only seemed to make him angrier.

“Anyway doesn’t matter what happens now. I was Prime Minister first so he can just poo off.
I know lots of secrets which I’m only going to tell to my real friends and then when we have the vote for most popular kid at school just before the summer holidays I’m gonna pull the rug from right under him. It’ll be worse than worse than William Brown and Hubert Lane.

Warming to his theme Cameron added: “He might think he has the upper hand. But he who laughs last and all of that. I’ll get him during the school holidays.”

Serial muscle flexer denies all

Estate agent Terry Moss has strongly denied accusations that he is a serial offender when it comes to fake casually flexing his muscles.

“Please,” his ex-girlfriend Keisha said while rolling her eyes. “D’you know that on our first date he kept his elbow on the table for the whole evening. I didn’t really notice at first but when I did notice I waited to see how long it would take for him to move it. He never did.

“He’d take ages to take a sip from a glass while holding it in mid air so his biceps bulged. It would always be a minute or two before he finally put his fork in his mouth. I knew it was never going to be a long term thing.”
“Listen, i’m on the frontline of London’s property crisis. These people might as well be playing snakes and ladders for all the chance they have of getting on the actual property ladder,” Terry said earnestly when questioned. “With all that on my mind, do you seriously think i have time to be thinking about my admittedly wonderful muscles?”

“He’s so full of shit. You know he actually shrinks his t-shirts on purpose so his muscles will show through more,” his flatmate Jerry revealed. “His constant fake casual flexing of his muscles while quite seriously hoping that anyone, even those members of the public who don’t know him, will notice was one of the first things I noticed about him. I decided to move in anyway.”

At press time, Terry was strongly considering buying a purple Ferrari with tricked out rims and spoilers.

Resolution keeper still won’t shut up

Despite spring being round the corner, smug resolution keeper Victor Garnett is still keen to spread the gospel of self-improvement.

“I always improve myself year on year and I never get tired of telling everyone I come into contact with about my self improvement journey. I’ve kept over 30 resolutions, 34 to be exact, in the twelve years since graduation. It’s a bit embarrassing but I’ve almost run out of things to improve. It’s really tough. A bit like buying presents for the person who has everything.

“Everyone at work loves learning from me. Is it enough sometimes to simply lead by example? Well, of course, yes. But when I apply special attention to an issue I can solve it far more effectively not to mention more quickly. There’s no one at home to helpm which is a shame, so I give my all professionally. And obviously while exercising.

“When I race people at the gym I always win. They always seem puzzled when I wish them better luck for next time but I think it’d be bad manners not to.”

Time travel the key to tax issues

Following the furore over Google’s so called ‘mates rates’ tax deal George Osborne has commissioned Dr Emmett Brown to assist with a time travel experiment so he can travel back to the dawn of the 13th century and seek advice on the matter from King John.

“This was probably the last time the establishment pissed off the populace so badly tax wise,” government insider Stanford Strickland opined, “so we figured he’d be as good a person as any to seek advice from. We don’t really see why the small matter of 8 centuries separating us should get in the way. We briefly considered looking in on Charles I but King John was much worse. He was a real piece of work.”
The issue of multi-nationals seemingly enjoying ‘sweetheart’ tax deals, while the have nots continue to be squeezed in a variety of inventive ways, has led to calls for Britain to more closely consider the stronger course of action that has subsequently occurred in France.

“Obviously we’re going to try everything we can to stop this,” insisted Strickland. “We’re not bloody French you know.”

To preserve the current status quo, and get yet more money from those who have none left to give, the tories are tentatively working on plans to privatise good manners in order to make up for the lost revenue.
“I first got the idea when i went to the birthday party of a friend’s son and heard one of the mother’s telling off one of the naughty children by using the phrase: ‘good manners cost nothing.’” Strickland enthused. “It was a real lightbulb moment.”

Jeb Bush excited to join uninspiring mayoral election

Desperate to take part in a political race that he can actually win, news has emerged that Jeb Bush is seriously considering entering London’s 2016 mayoral election. The fact that he has very publicly failed in a high profile presidential bid in the United States doesn’t seem to have deterred the former governor of Florida.

“We’ve still got shitloads of money left from the presidential campaign so we thought ‘why not?’”
Bush 2016 campaign official Todd Cranton shrugged. “This mayoral race is the most uninspiring political process I’ve ever had the misfortune to observe so we figured Jeb would have a chance. Think about the two frontrunners. Zac Goldsmith is even more embedded in the establishment than Cameron or Osborne. Sadiq Khan, the least worst candidate, is making promises that seem very difficult to keep.”

He added: “We’re gonna get Jeb to tweet a picture of a house with the word ‘London’ beneath it. This will show he really gets the housing crisis.”

“If I don’t win at least one more political process I won’t be able to show my face at the family table during Thanksgiving ever again.” Jeb said when questioned. “I mean, my brother was able to become President. I didn’t even come close to winning a primary. This is my last chance to save at least a little bit of face.”

At press time the Tories were considering replacing Zac with the more popular Jeremy Hunt.




Oscars, the Night Tube and Cecil Rhodes

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Organisers of the Academy Awards promise to make amends

Organisers of the Oscars have responded to the disbelief and anger that not one black actor or actress received nominations for this year’s ceremony by ensuring that they hire plenty of black waiting staff, valet parkers, cloakroom attendants and obviously, naturally, cleaners.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the situation was keen to lay out the thought process behind the new move.

“We’ve taken our inspiration from Hattie McDaniel’s timeless role in Gone With The Wind. We feel that it’s a great way to recognise and reward the enormous contributions made by black people in the film world over the last year. It’s entirely representative of where we want them to be and how we want them to see themselves. We briefly considered getting more black actors to present awards. But after a little thought, we decided against that. We’d much prefer they were in the background where they’re not so visible.

“Besides, we’ve already shown our commitment to diversity by hiring a black man to host the event and we feel these aforementioned steps further underline that effort.”

Aspiring black filmmaker Jamal Patience had to be persuaded to comment on record using his real name, for fear his career would suffer from speaking out.

“Look it’s not like we expect anything really real from these people, these institutions. But when they rub your face in it like that, when they make it that friggin’ obvious, it’s hard to ignore.
I mean the situation with Straight Outta Compton just lays it all bare. This is a movie about N.W.A! The movie is about N.W.A! And the only two people to get a nod from the Academy are two white writers? I remember seeing Ice Cube’s son as baby when he brought him out on stage at Brixton Academy in ’92. I’d love to see O’seha Jr win an Oscar. The whole thing with Creed is bad enough. But the way they handled Straight Outta Compton? I don’t even know how to describe that.”

The race is on to identify 2016’s food trend

Competitive foodies who want to identify 2016’s defining food trend as early as possible are said to be keenly scouring the cafes, delicatessans and street food vendors of Shoreditch, Hackney, Crouch End, Stoke Newington, Peckham and, of course, Brixton Village. As January progresses, the often silent competition is gathering pace.

“I spent all last Saturday at it,” admitted Delilah an SEO/Social Media account manager at Hipstertrendy.co.uk. “I was the first customer in my local deli. Then, a few hours later, once i’d spent £7.50 on my Oystercard I thought ‘what the hell i might as well get my money’s worth’ and went straight down to Borough Market.”

When questioned further, Delilah strongly denied that her motives are motivated by a weird, and completely unnecessary, competitive edge.

“If i can identify the trend now, when my friends bring it up in spring or even summer i can affect nonchalance and then say ‘oh that? I’ve been eating that since just after Christmas.’ Then i’ll totally move onto another completely different subject like it’s not a big deal. But they’ll know. They’ll know i was there first. And they’ll know i know. I was the first in our group to discover kale and the glow has never really left.
“You watch 2016. My Instagram is going to be on fleek. That’s what they’re saying now isn’t it? I’m sure i’ve heard that. I better go and check.”

Double standards within media to continue

TIFORWNO, The International Federation of Right Wing News Outlets, has announced plans for a new annual convention to help them pool resources in their never ending quest to find new reasons why events that look and smell like terrorism, are actually not terrorism because the people responsible are white.

“Well we figured this kind of thing was going to be happening more and more so we might as well plan for it right?” Event organiser Steve Harr insisted.

“The situations are very different. How can you say that this is double standards and selective amnesia? I’ll tell you something, the book those guys in Oregon brandish, The Constitution Of The United States, is not a religious book. So it’s completely different. The fact that all terrorists like to brandish is irrelevant. Besides, they listen to country and western and not that awful Middle eastern stuff so they can’t be terrorists.”

News producer Todd Harriyat was less enthused, and didn’t seem like he was looking forward to the convention.

“I’m kinda bummed if i’m being really honest,” he conceded. “It’d be quite easy to make the narrative about troubled white men but that’s just not what our audience wants to hear. There’s so much stuff you could mention. Timothy Mcveigh. A million mass shootings. Dylann Roof. You could even mention the bombing of black churches and the bombings of black towns in the US during the early part of the twentieth century.
“On the bright side, I hear the caterers for the convention are out of this world.”

Long awaited Night Tube isn’t going to happen anytime soon

The eagerly anticipated Night Tube continues to be the cause of intense disagreement between TFL and the unions. Strike action, and the continued threat of strike action, seems to be the order of the day for the concerned parties.

The all-night Tube was due to run on weekends from September 12 2015, a date that seems increasingly ridiculous as time drags on.

When questioned, spokesperson Mr G Radgrind was not confident of finding a speedy solution. “Regrettably, they’re not going let us take the complete piss out of these people’s lives. So we’re going to have to come up with some other plan. Obviously not one which involves paying them a wage which reflects the true value of their labour and respects them as human beings.”

Suppressing a chuckle he added: “Do you seriously think I give a fuck about their work life balance?”

Tube driver and all round decent person Trevor Collins said: ‘I signed up to work certain hours and without warning they suddenly wanted to change that. Do they really think i want to live like a vampire?”

Seasonal Adjustment Disorder sufferers to hibernate until March

A significant proportion of those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder are getting ready to hibernate until it is safe to venture into a beer garden with only one upper layer of clothing, preferably a t-shirt.

Sad sufferer Bernie Patterson, who has only just got over the trauma of wearing his ‘big coat’, for the past few months has insisted that this year he’s ready.

“Last winter was truly horrible. I spent night after night rocking back and forth in a corner of my bathroom while Stevie Wonder’s Summer Soft played on repeat on my bluetooth speaker. I tried playing Summertime by Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince a few times to change it up a little bit, but it just doesn’t have the same effect. Summer Breeze by The Isley Brother’s was a little better. But then i hit my head on the sink.

“This year? I’m prepared. I’m just going to sleep through it all. If it’s good enough for primates, bears and the like, then it’s good enough for me.”

At press time a breakaway sect of more extreme sufferers said they planned to hibernate until it’s definitely warm enough to wear shorts.

“Just to be on the safe side, we’re gonna be under until at least May, maybe even June,” spokesperson Henry Bishop confirmed.

“It’s not that bad before Christmas, ‘cos at least you have the festive season to paper over the cracks. But it gets real in January. Fuck January.”

End of the Rhodes?

The row over Oxford University’s statue of colonial era murder-holic Cecil Rhodes doesn’t show any signs of going away.

The removal of Oriel College’s plaque that honoured the man who played an especially enthusiastic part in the violence that resulted in British privileges and advancement will most likely prove to be the calm before an academic storm that will surely play a significant part in defining approaches to imperialism in the 21st century.

Oxford resident and Oriel college alumni Stanley Denhile was unrepentant when asked about the situation.

“Well let’s face it, the Africans were bloody stupid before we went over and showed them what to do with all of their natural resources. The simple fact of the matter is we like having it around the place. It reminds us of the good old days. Yes, he was instrumental in paving the way for apartheid, and, at the very least, was an inspiration for many of the Nazi party’s big fish. But things were different in those days. Now shut up, Zulu’s on the telly.”
History student Solomon Chunikeze is sick and tired.

“This is not about contemporary politics or political correctness or 21st century values or any of that kind of stuff. Britain’s imperial history is not complex. There was lots and lots of murdering and even more stealing. Remember what Rhodes told Gladstone? If he’d left us and our diamonds alone foreign students wouldn’t need a fucking scholarship would they? Doesn’t it speak volumes that South Africa was the last place that had this argument?”