Cameron’s Football, Osborne’s Taxes and Jeb Bush
In a surprise u-turn, Lambeth Council has gone back on plans to cancel this year’s Brixton Splash. However, the new version of events proposed is not expected to please those hoping to save the one day street festival in it’s original format.
The significant changes include water polo in the lido, a hunt in Brockwell Park and croquet on the lawns opposite St.Matthews Church. Sound-systems and reggae are to be banned.
Spokesperson Ken Slippery was keen to outline the reasoning behind the new approach.
“We felt the festival was the complete opposite of everything that’s happening to gentrify the area. This was actually deepening the values of ‘old Brixton’ at a time when we’re trying to get rid of them once and for all. It was threatening to get as big as Carnival. We don’t want that.”
He added: “I was at the boat race last year and as I looked across Putney Bridge I thought wouldn’t it be great if Splash was more like this. Drinking Pimms and gin is much more socially acceptable than smoking weed. We’re trying to invoke the spirit of Harry J Anslinger as much as we can as we feel this far better represents the new face of Clapham North.”
Brixton resident Giles Doyle-Rogers was very excited by the new plans.
“I always love telling my fiends I live in Brixton and it makes me feel really cool and edgy. But let’s be honest some of those coloured people are really scary.”
Prime Minister wants ball back
When first his marbles and then his kite went missing David Cameron took it on the chin, but now that Boris Johnson has possession of his football, he’s had enough.
“This isn’t the first time my ball has ended up in his garden while having a kickaround and while he usually messes around a bit, he always kicks it back to me in the end,” Cameron snivelled through heavy, irregular breaths, his quivering lower lip revealing him dangerously close to tears.
“But this time, instead of kicking it back, or even having a little kick around, he just picked it up, looked at me while flashing this sinister, triumphant smile just to let me know that he knew I’d seen him, and then ran away. If he doesn’t give it back I’m telling sir and I don’t care if get called names because of it. It’s especially unfair seeing as last summer he broke our window with his rugby ball and didn’t even say sorry.”
After he told, and enjoyed telling, repeated attempts by the prefects, then the teachers, and finally the head failed to calm little David down. A potentially soothing glass of lemonade only seemed to make him angrier.
“Anyway doesn’t matter what happens now. I was Prime Minister first so he can just poo off.
I know lots of secrets which I’m only going to tell to my real friends and then when we have the vote for most popular kid at school just before the summer holidays I’m gonna pull the rug from right under him. It’ll be worse than worse than William Brown and Hubert Lane.
Warming to his theme Cameron added: “He might think he has the upper hand. But he who laughs last and all of that. I’ll get him during the school holidays.”
Serial muscle flexer denies all
Estate agent Terry Moss has strongly denied accusations that he is a serial offender when it comes to fake casually flexing his muscles.
“Please,” his ex-girlfriend Keisha said while rolling her eyes. “D’you know that on our first date he kept his elbow on the table for the whole evening. I didn’t really notice at first but when I did notice I waited to see how long it would take for him to move it. He never did.
“He’d take ages to take a sip from a glass while holding it in mid air so his biceps bulged. It would always be a minute or two before he finally put his fork in his mouth. I knew it was never going to be a long term thing.”
“Listen, i’m on the frontline of London’s property crisis. These people might as well be playing snakes and ladders for all the chance they have of getting on the actual property ladder,” Terry said earnestly when questioned. “With all that on my mind, do you seriously think i have time to be thinking about my admittedly wonderful muscles?”
“He’s so full of shit. You know he actually shrinks his t-shirts on purpose so his muscles will show through more,” his flatmate Jerry revealed. “His constant fake casual flexing of his muscles while quite seriously hoping that anyone, even those members of the public who don’t know him, will notice was one of the first things I noticed about him. I decided to move in anyway.”
At press time, Terry was strongly considering buying a purple Ferrari with tricked out rims and spoilers.
Resolution keeper still won’t shut up
Despite spring being round the corner, smug resolution keeper Victor Garnett is still keen to spread the gospel of self-improvement.
“I always improve myself year on year and I never get tired of telling everyone I come into contact with about my self improvement journey. I’ve kept over 30 resolutions, 34 to be exact, in the twelve years since graduation. It’s a bit embarrassing but I’ve almost run out of things to improve. It’s really tough. A bit like buying presents for the person who has everything.
“Everyone at work loves learning from me. Is it enough sometimes to simply lead by example? Well, of course, yes. But when I apply special attention to an issue I can solve it far more effectively not to mention more quickly. There’s no one at home to helpm which is a shame, so I give my all professionally. And obviously while exercising.
“When I race people at the gym I always win. They always seem puzzled when I wish them better luck for next time but I think it’d be bad manners not to.”
Time travel the key to tax issues
Following the furore over Google’s so called ‘mates rates’ tax deal George Osborne has commissioned Dr Emmett Brown to assist with a time travel experiment so he can travel back to the dawn of the 13th century and seek advice on the matter from King John.
“This was probably the last time the establishment pissed off the populace so badly tax wise,” government insider Stanford Strickland opined, “so we figured he’d be as good a person as any to seek advice from. We don’t really see why the small matter of 8 centuries separating us should get in the way. We briefly considered looking in on Charles I but King John was much worse. He was a real piece of work.”
The issue of multi-nationals seemingly enjoying ‘sweetheart’ tax deals, while the have nots continue to be squeezed in a variety of inventive ways, has led to calls for Britain to more closely consider the stronger course of action that has subsequently occurred in France.
“Obviously we’re going to try everything we can to stop this,” insisted Strickland. “We’re not bloody French you know.”
To preserve the current status quo, and get yet more money from those who have none left to give, the tories are tentatively working on plans to privatise good manners in order to make up for the lost revenue.
“I first got the idea when i went to the birthday party of a friend’s son and heard one of the mother’s telling off one of the naughty children by using the phrase: ‘good manners cost nothing.’” Strickland enthused. “It was a real lightbulb moment.”
Jeb Bush excited to join uninspiring mayoral election
Desperate to take part in a political race that he can actually win, news has emerged that Jeb Bush is seriously considering entering London’s 2016 mayoral election. The fact that he has very publicly failed in a high profile presidential bid in the United States doesn’t seem to have deterred the former governor of Florida.
“We’ve still got shitloads of money left from the presidential campaign so we thought ‘why not?’”
Bush 2016 campaign official Todd Cranton shrugged. “This mayoral race is the most uninspiring political process I’ve ever had the misfortune to observe so we figured Jeb would have a chance. Think about the two frontrunners. Zac Goldsmith is even more embedded in the establishment than Cameron or Osborne. Sadiq Khan, the least worst candidate, is making promises that seem very difficult to keep.”
He added: “We’re gonna get Jeb to tweet a picture of a house with the word ‘London’ beneath it. This will show he really gets the housing crisis.”
“If I don’t win at least one more political process I won’t be able to show my face at the family table during Thanksgiving ever again.” Jeb said when questioned. “I mean, my brother was able to become President. I didn’t even come close to winning a primary. This is my last chance to save at least a little bit of face.”
At press time the Tories were considering replacing Zac with the more popular Jeremy Hunt.