Feats, Times and Life: Aliens Against Trump, Brexit and More

 Alien Hawks to Use Donald Trump as Excuse to Invade Earth.

It has today emerged that Donald Trump’s imploding presidential campaign has led to increasing numbers of Alien hawks citing the Republican nominee as the principal reason to invade Earth.

Hawks from the planet Beachavniar have been noting Trump’s assertions that the election is rigged and extensively quoting his “grab them by the…” tapes in their parliament in order to try and win over the doubters who think Earth should just be left alone.

“It’s just too good not to use,” leading hawk Hurungan Krisseng admitted when questioned. “I mean, this guy’s too crazy even for the Tea Party? Remember them? You just don’t hear about them anymore, do you? Our pitch is pretty much this: ‘If you let this guy slide, what follows him?’ What is the next level of extreme right wing bullshit? Scary thought right?

“Those who say that this is all about taking control of Earth’s natural resources or feeding the beast that is the Intergalactic Military Industrial Complex are just wrong. It has nothing to do with that at all. We just hate Trump. Any species that can even contemplate letting someone like that get anywhere near anything even remotely resembling power cannot be in control of it’s faculties and cannot be trusted to manage their own affairs.

“So when we win support for the invasion this isn’t going to be some ‘get down or lay down’ thing. Mars Attacks ain’t got shit on me.”

UKIP MEPs to Form Football Firm

Following the resignation of recently hospitalised UKIP MEP Steven Woolfe, the party has announced that it is to rebrand itself as a football firm.

The announcement is meant to divert attention away from the fact that Diane James lasted just 18 days as leader and Nigel Farage isn’t really up for it anymore.

“We feel it’s a really exciting new development for the party,” a spokesman who insisted on being referred to as a spokesman said.

“Post-Brexit we didn’t really know what to do with ourselves if I’m being really honest. We couldn’t find anything to project our considerable anger onto, and you know we can’t publicly say all of the stuff we say to each other in private. Trust me, ‘bongo bongo land’ is tame compared to the kind of stuff that gets said behind closed doors.

“Therefore turning our anger onto each other provided some temporary respite. That’s what it’s all about at the end of the day. We have to find some sort of outlet for all of this inner hate. Pretty much all of us have anger management problems.

“Millwall? Chelsea? West Ham? They’re all pussies compared with us. You watch. West Ham’s next home game? We’ll spill their claret all over fucking Westfield. See if we don’t you mugs.”

Person Says Multiple Platitudes Before Leaving

Likeable but slightly annoying Jason Squires is incapable of leaving anywhere or anyone without saying goodbye in at least five different ways.

Jason has always been guilty of two or three platitudes, but his habit has worsened considerably as he’s got older.

Best friend Stephen Ture said: “I really like Jason but I could read War and Peace in the time it takes him to say goodbye. You know when you finish your drink and prepare to leave? I’ve started buying another drink just so I don’t dehydrate while Jason is saying goodbye in about fifty million different ways. If a group of us goes out saying goodbye at the end of the night lasts almost as long as the actual evening itself.”

His extensive use of platitudes also extends to his phone conversations.

Ex-girlfriend Nyesha said: “You know when you’re still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and are all like ‘no, you hang up?’ I nipped that in the bud pretty damn quick. There was a couple times when I slept through my alarm clock ‘cos that guy just refused to shut the fuck up.”

Jason said: “Safe. Wicked yeah? Nice one. All right, cool. I’m about to be out. See you soon bruv. I’ma bounce like a bad cheque. I’m ghost. Audi 5000. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Have a good ‘un. Peace and hairgrease.”

Script is Flipped as Complainer Has to Deal with Complainee

Fred Forger, a Southern Rail employee who works in the complaints call centre, had his day made when he was to be able to turn the tables on arch nemesis John Camper, who phones to complain frequently and is almost always put through to Fred.

The chance real life meeting occurred when Fred travelled to the other side of town to meet a friend who’d recently moved there.

“As soon as I heard his voice I knew it was him,” Fred said.

“I do feel some sympathy for him. After all, our service is so bad it constantly makes him late for work. It really isn’t an exaggeration to say that we’re adversely affecting his quality of life. That said, this was too good an opportunity to pass up.”

John said: I knew there was something strange about him soon after he arrived at the bar. He had this weird grin on his face when most of the people in here are miserable bastards. Then he started complaining and nitpicking about every friggin’ thing. The beer was cloudy. It was too expensive. The music was too loud. At one point he demanded I account for Donald Trump.”

Brexit Will Also Allow Free Trade in Upside Down Land, Insist Leading Brexiters

The increasing number of protestations from prominent politicians across Europe that Britain will not be able to enjoy access to the single market while at the same time pursuing an immigration policy that will satisfy closet racists has not made the slightest impression on Brexiteers who insist, often angrily, that Britain will be able to have its cake and eat it.

Those same Leave voters have today announced that not only will Britain be able to have its battenberg and eat it too, post-Brexit Britain will also be able to do the same in Upside Down Land.

An anonymous source said: “We’ve just received confirmation from Dustin, Lucas, Mike, Eleven and the whole gang. Even Will is on board. We’ll have freedom of movement but none of those lot will be able to come over here. Do you think I want to see faceless monsters ruining Henley Regatta?

“What’s that you say? This will also affect the freedom of movement of British people throughout Europe? Well correct me if I’m wrong but last time I checked they were ex-pats not immigrants. There’s a clear difference.”

Man Ecstatic to See Work Colleague on Same Train Home as Him

John Gifford was deliriously overjoyed on Monday evening when his work colleague Jack Bufield enthusiastically tapped him on the shoulder before sitting on the chair next to him on the eastbound jubilee line train.

Gifford managed a smile and made conversation but the combination of tiredness and boredom was killing him inside.

“My ride home usually consists of reading, staring at my phone or resting my eyes,” Gifford said. “The day in question was a rest your eyes day.

“I didn’t even know he caught this train otherwise I’d have been more vigilant. I feel bad ‘cos Jack is actually a really nice guy. But it’d been a really long, really trying day and I’m not really that bothered about his son Nathan’s science project. Nathan’s a really nice kid by the way. I’m such a bastard.

Jack said: “As soon as I saw Bob I immediately headed for him as I thought it’d be a great chance to get to know each other better. I got to bounce some ideas off of him on the normally boring ride home.

“We’re going to get the train together everyday now. I think we can become firm friends. You know how you’re friendly with a lot of people but not really friends? We’re the second one.”

American Racist of Eastern European Heritage Dismayed by British Racists’ Hatred Towards Eastern Europeans

During a recent trip to England, American racist Brad Kachajowski was dismayed to find out his British counterpart Brian Willis harboured hateful feelings towards Eastern Europeans.

Brad was hoping to form a transatlantic alliance, only to be dismayed when he was faced with the kind of prejudice that he usually dishes out.

“I thought we could forge an alliance but the way he kept going on and on about the jam rolls kinda spoiled everything,” he remembered.

“I thought he was talking about some delightful British pastries. Before I came to Britain I was hoping to try an Eton Mess but I thought ‘hey, a jam roll will do.’

“I only twigged when he started moaning about Lithuanians, Bulgarians and all that stuff.

“My parents came from Eastern Europe and I don’t appreciate that. I was looking at this guy like ‘is my surname not a dead giveaway? Like really?’

“They didn’t speak the language and unlike the blacks managed to pick themselves up by their bootstraps.

“What’s that you say? I may be an immigrant but it’s not like I’m a fucking Mexican or anything. Huh? Well they may have been living on the American continent for centuries but we’re the real Americans.”




From Page to Screen

 Over the past few weeks, being bombarded (via magazines, newspapers, online/ offline platforms) with promos for The Girl on the Train – the movie adaptation of Paula Hawkins’ bestselling novel – got me thinking about the tricky leap the printed word makes to the silver screen. Not all works of fiction become motion pictures. Nor do they aspire to do so. But those that get to have a movie avatar can’t avoid strict scrutiny because everyone has an opinion on their favourite book’s celluloid version. Readers are not easy to please. When they wear a film critic’s hat, they tend to become more exacting.

How many times have you heard someone complaining about a director butchering their favourite novel or short story? Some common refrains: “The director didn’t really get the book.” “The novel is fantastic but the film was mediocre at best.” “Why mess with perfection? They should have left the story alone.”

We often tend to forget that the printed book and the silver screen make different demands on their creators. Cinema, essentially being a visual medium, places a premium on images. Often a single image is expected to pull off the work of a page full of words. Of course, writers too follow the “show, don’t tell” maxim in their work. But the page allows more room for description and many a paragraph can be devoted to describing a particular setting or a character’s state of mind. If the description blends seamlessly into the story, nobody would complain. If an interior monologue takes up several pages, readers wouldn’t protest as long as it is well written and holds their attention.

To hold the viewer’s attention while translating the nuances of a book to the screen is an uphill task. The script has to be faithful to the original but not blindly so. The trick is to take the existing material and shape it to suit the cinematic medium without losing out on nuance and complexity. Often, the transition ends in disaster. But when it’s done right, it’s a joy to watch your favourite book come alive onscreen.

In no particular order, here are a few of my favourite book-to-film avatars:

Gone With the Wind: Margaret Mitchell’s novel paints a riveting portrait of lives upturned by the American civil war. The book, beloved to millions, made a superb transition to the screen. Directed by Victor Fleming, the film (1939) recreates the drama, romance, and emotional upheaval that Mitchell’s readers savour when they turned the pages. Thanks to a talented cast, the characters come alive onscreen, playing out their individual battles while a country goes to war with itself.

The Quiet American: Bristling with subtext and weighed down by brooding philosophical inquiry, a Graham Greene novel is not the easiest material to film. Luckily, Phillip Noyce proved himself equal to the challenge. Directed by Noyce, The Quiet American (2002) dissects the inherent self-interest that guides America’s foreign policy as expertly as it explores the map of the human heart and the anatomy of desire. The film never once makes the mistake of watering down the novel’s complexity or offers simplistic explanations for life’s eternal mysteries.

The English Patient: The film (1996), directed by Anthony Minghella, is a brilliant cinematic version of Michael Ondaatje’s novel. Staying true to the novel’s tone, the film explores the inner lives of the characters with a gentle, delicate touch. The doomed love story at the heart of the narrative, set against the backdrop of WWII, plays out onscreen like a beautiful sonata. The camera skilfully captures the starkness of the desert landscape and the violent churnings of war. Nothing is lost in translation here. Watching the film is as rewarding and intense an experience as reading the novel.

The Shipping News: Annie Proulx shone the spotlight on New Foundland in her bestselling novel, The Shipping News. The story of a broken man who returns to his home town in search of refuge struck a chord in readers across the world – even if many of them would confess having trouble locating New Foundland on the map. The film of the same name (2001), directed by Lasse Hollstrom, captures the bleakness and beauty of the landscape with as much finesse as the novel, giving it a pivotal role in the grand scheme of the narrative. Hollstrom’s non-intrusive directorial style lets the camera trace the trajectory of the characters’ lives without resorting to emotional voyeurism. As in the novel, grief and heartbreak and trauma remain integral to the story, but the darkness is tempered by a merciful absence of sensationalism.




Feats, Times and Life: Fabric, Owen Smith and the Tears of Joe Hart

Teenagers to stop taking drugs following closure of Fabric.

Now that Islington Council have closed superclub Fabric, teenagers, and young adults in general, are to stop their never ending search for ways to get totally out of their brains.

The council supposedly want the public to believe their widely criticised decision will succeed where both prohibition and the “war on drugs” failed miserably.

A spokesperson for the council said: “Can we talk off the record? Good. Look, instead of looking at the underlying long-term problems, we thought we’d close a nightclub. It was just easier. I’ve got a lot on at the moment.

“What’s that you say? No, I don’t accept that the kids who insist on experimenting with mind-altering substances will simply go to other, potentially even more hazardous, most likely illegal, clubs as result of this ruling. I don’t accept that at all.”

Budding DJ Norman Rogers said: “The deaths of the teenagers at the centre of this case are obviously very serious and very tragic. You can’t imagine how their families must feel. But this is a sticking plaster on a gunshot wound situation.”

18-year-old Martin Lit said: “If you mix cough syrup with almost any drug of your choice, that shit gets you fucked up man! I still haven’t come down.”

Sports Direct realise their staff are human beings

The management of Sports Direct have finally realised their large workforce are homosapiens and not cattle or horses.

The discovery that their staff are not livestock has prompted them to end the obviously inhumane practice of zero hours contracts.

Regional manager Shane Driver said: “Look, I’ll hold my hands up. My bad, okay. I feel really silly, like how could we have not noticed that? How could we have not noticed that they had hands and eyes and feet and feelings. It’s been a real revelation. Personally, I blame BoJack Horseman. And centaurs.

Financial director Colin Guap said: “I actually knew they were human beings but I just didn’t give a shit ‘cos I was sorted and that’s all that matters really. That and the bottom line. What’s that you say? Quality of life. Do me a fucking favour. If it wasn’t for that Commons committee in June none of this would be happening.”

A Sports Direct employee who was too scared to reveal their identity said: “I guess twelve hours is better then nothing. At least I can budget a little bit as opposed to not at all. If I save religiously and don’t enjoy life at all, I might be able to go on holiday in about ten years.”

Luke Cage causing massive insecurity among male of the species.

The impending arrival of Luke Cage, Netflix’s latest superhero-centred must-binge-watch extravaganza, is causing crippling insecurity among males the world over.

Geeks and non-geeks alike are said to be united in their quest to bulk up as much as they possibly can so they don’t feel like total weaklings when the series inevitably becomes stupidly popular this autumn.

Marvel fan Keith Yumnik said: “Now that summer is on the way out I wasn’t really planning on going to the gym too much between now and Christmas. But after seeing that trailer I’ve started going three times a week. I’ve signed up for a few different classes and I even signed up with one of those personal trainers which is probably going to add about ten grand to my monthly fee.

“This situation’s even worse than that Old Spice advert where the guy was on that horse. I’m much more comfortable with Season 2 of Narcos. Pablo Escobar may have been a super trill, double hard drug lord when he wasn’t blowing up planes and drug stores filled with innocent people, but he was in terrible shape. Especially towards the end.”

Keith’s girlfriend Chrisette said: “Now he knows how I felt when he insisted on watching Beyoncé’s Super Bowl performance again and again. And, of course, how women have felt since the proliferation of popular media.”

Joe Hart crying himself to sleep nightly

It was today reported that England goalkeeper Joe Hart has been crying himself to sleep on a nightly basis ever since he signed on a season long loan to unremarkable Italian side Torino on transfer deadline day.

His loud, heart-wrenching sobs can be clearly heard by anyone within a half mile radius of his new residence. Neighbours have reported trouble getting their kids to sleep.

“I honestly thought Pep was just stamping his authority like Manuel did last season.” Hart said in between sobs. “I thought he’d play Caballero for a few games to make his point and then I’d be right back in. If only I hadn’t been so shit during Euro 2016 with free kicks. I may have been given a chance if that hadn’t happened.

“Did you see the size of that of that fucking balcony? You couldn’t swing a baby mouse let alone a cat. It’s by far the shittest hotel I’ve ever stayed in. I tried to look pleased, I really did.

“If I cry for around half an hour that usually wears me out enough to get my head down for a few hours. Things are looking up too. I only had to cry for about ten minutes or so last night.”

Granata Ultra Giovanni Modoci said: “I can’t wait to hospitalise someone while singing our new Joe Hart song. It’s going to be a real moment.”

Owen Smith to seek advice from The Black Knight

As his campaign to replace Jeremy Corbyn as Labour leader heads for sure defeat Owen Smith is to seek advice on how to go down fighting from Monty Python’s The Black Knight.

Smith initially turned down the chance to work with the deluded crusader, but the few advisers still working on his campaign managed to talk him around.

Smith said: “At first I was a bit reluctant, but my advisers said if I wanted them to stay I had to choose between the Black Knight and Walter Mitty. As things continued to deterioriate I just thought “what the hell” and decided to give it a try. Nothing else has worked.

“The Black Knight really has that whole ‘carry on in the face of stupefying, insurmountable adversity’ thing down pat. I just don’t want anyone to cut off my arm with a sword. Or do anything to me with a sword if i’m being really honest.
A Smith campaign adviser who spoke on condition of anonymity said: “It all seemed like such a good idea when they decided to replace Angela Eagle with Owen. We thought ‘here’s someone who has a real chance of beating Jeremy and setting the Labour Party on the right course.’ Boy were we wrong.”

At press time Smith was said to be considering taking advice from the newly jobless Keith Vaz.

Women who wears headscarf goes whole week without having to deal with bullshit

For the first time since Brexit, a woman who wears a hijab has gone a whole week without having to listen to any crap or face the threat of violence.

Anjili Begum is ecstatic at having enjoyed a full seven days without having her essential humanity challenged in any way.

“Seriously, not even a shitty sideways glance on the Tube,” Anjili enthused. “It’s been really nice being able to just go about my business without any of the usual shit that i have to deal with. Trust me, things got real since Brexit.

“Funnily enough, nothing has ever happened to me when I’m out with my three brothers. But when I’m on my own it’s open season. I can’t for the life of me work out what it could be.

“On the other hand, since that stuff in France I’m dreading the worst. I’m anticipating another bad month. Oh well. Maybe one day this will all go away.”

Landlord decides he still doesn’t have enough money

John Tarl, who has been a landlord for more than a decade during London’s property boom, decided on Tuesday that he still doesn’t have quite as much money as he needs.

He vehemently denies that he is simply a really greedy bastard and terrible human being.

John said: “I raised those rents in line with market value as is my right. Everyone else does it. Well, not absolutely everyone. I know a few landlords with, um, what do you call them again? Oh yes, ethics and morals. But I don’t know that many!

“Yes my tenants had been living there for just under two years. Yes, they did have a young baby. No they’d never given me any trouble at all and always paid on time. But I need more money.

“How am I going to be able to afford a holiday home and a yacht if I don’t milk my tenants for every single penny I can possibly squeeze out of them?”

At press time John was heard driving around the ends in his car blasting Biggie’s Mo Money Mo Problems.




Feats, Times & Life: “This shit’s gonna be so dope,” says IOC

“This shit’s gonna be so dope,” says IOC

The IOC has insisted that the 2016 Rio Olympics are going to be the dopest yet, no matter what anyone thinks.

“Do i care that we’re making a mockery of a centuries old tradition, one of the oldest traditions in the world, in the worst possible way?” An incredulous spokesperson angrily responded when asked. “Look, as long as we survive as an organisation, that’s all i really care about. I got a mortgage yo. I got bills. Now leave me alone, i’ve got T.I’s Dope Boyz in my headphones. That’s some real shit y’all. You can tell he ain’t no studio gangster. Ha! Get me, keeping it so real. And did you see how dope the opening ceremony was? Step off!”

“What’s that you say? Well, we happen to think it’s really great how the entire Brazilian public are right behind this and there hasn’t been a hint of cynicism. Now, for the second time, leave me alone, i’m listening to Outkast’s Two Dope Boyz In A Cadillac. That’s some real smooth shit to ride to, but only if you boasting 28 inch rims you feel me?”

At press time King Bee’s Back By Dope Demand could be heard blasting from one of the conference rooms where IOC delegates were supposed to be working out how they could make sure that nothing like this ever happens again.
Republican Party to turn to Bojack Horseman if Trump drops out

It has today leaked that the Republican Party will turn to washed up actor Bojack Horseman in the admittedly unlikely event that Donald Trump drops out of the race to become the 45th President.

“I’d like to stress that it’s not at all likely to happen,” an insider, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, eventually admitted when confronted. “But you just never know do you? Trump is so unpredictable and just does what he wants about two seconds after he wants to do it. We’ve given him so many pointers, so much advice, but he still manages to insult pretty much everyone except heterosexual white men.

“We just feel Bojack will be far more palatable to a mass audience. He’ll certainly be far more sensitive. We feel he’ll be better at staying on message and won’t be as narcissistic. We also feel it’d be harder for Putin to manipulate him. You know, he’s less likely to start a nuclear war if we actually somehow manage to win this election. Best of all, his hair actually looks normal. Even if it is horse hair.

“Bojack’s completely on board. He’s really excited at the prospect and feels it’d be a great way to reintroduce himself to the public. He also feels that his lodger Todd Chavez would make a great running mate. If i’m being really honest, we’re not too sure about that one. Given the way the campaign has been run we’re not sure how Republican voters would respond to a Latino candidate on the ticket.”

Brexiters to welcome Sam Allardyce’s 19th century football

Now that there’s been a little time to get used to the idea, Sam Allardyce’s appointment as England manager has proven to be very popular with Brexiters, who are keen to see his ‘19th century football’ strut it’s stuff on the international stage.
Football fan and Leave voter Steve James is especially excited.

“Whether or not you think Mourinho’s quip about ‘19th century football’ was a true assessment or just an insult to garner headlines following a bad result for his team, it’s generally in keeping with an outdated view on politics and, pretty much everything we believe in at the end of the day.” Steve commented. “As far as i’m concerned the entire 21st century is an example of political correctness gone horribly, terribly wrong. I don’t even really like the 20th century if i’m being really honest.
“Similarly to the Brexit vote, I’m going to throw my support behind the concept of 19th century football and ignore reason, logic and common sense in place of an entirely emotional response. All those fancy formations you see from all the foreigners are just stupid to me. Four, four two all the way if you ask me.”

Steve’s younger brother Mark said: “Steve’s not even embarrassed to say things like that out loud and in public. He’s spent way too much time listening to our Dad and our Uncles. If you think he sounds silly you should hear them once they’re on their third or fourth beer.

“Besides, everyone knows Harry Redknapp should be England manager. I wonder what he did to piss the FA off?”

Black Lives Matter denier not sure that every available excuse has been made.

Patricia Johns, who insists she ‘doesn’t see colour’, thinks the whole black lives matter protests are ‘a bit much’.

“I just think if that if they weren’t doing anything wrong the police wouldn’t treat them like that.” She said. “Let’s be honest, there’s a few bad apples but it’s not as if this is the latest manifestion of a centuries old problem that goes right to the heart of the establishment. Not at all.

“If we said something similar, like ‘white lives matter’, there’d be uproar. What’s that you say? Well I don’t see how I’m in denial and how it’s so bloody obvious. I’ll tell you something for nothing. I was the first person to buy a Bob Marley album on our street in the seventies, so I don’t see how I can be racist or an apologist for racism. All of this shouting and anger is so unnecessary. I mean why are they so angry? No, I didn’t mean ‘they’ like that.”

Black person Trey Kenyatta said: “I’ve spoken to lots of people since the protests and there are a lot of different opinions ranging from ‘we’re just happy this is in the news,’ to ‘why Heathrow and not the Home Office?’ I have sympathy with both of those approaches to a situation with no easy answers.

“Plus all the racists go triple batshit and that’s always good for a laugh. I think the fact they’re more annoyed by a traffic jam than the reason behind the protest kinda proves the point.”

Frustrated couple’s lost luggage arrives just as they check out of hotel

Keith and Nicole Flume were shocked and appalled when the luggage their airline lost en route to Barcelona arrived just as they were checking out of their hotel, having enjoyed a great week in a great city.

“You’d really think that the more well known airlines wouldn’t fuck things up quite so badly,” Keith fumed. “It really is unfathomable how they can be so bad at something so very, very simple.

“There we were, paying for the room service, and the mini cava’s and little diet cokes, when Nicole’s bag suddenly arrived. To be honest, by that point we’d kind of given up on seeing it ever again. If it wasn’t so annoying it could’ve been one of those ‘funny old world’ moments. But it was just all the way annoying. Not really funny at all. Human error happens, that’s fine, but we had to waste a whole morning going shopping for new stuff.”

Nicole added: “I can tell you that queuing for two and a half hours in a sweltering airport was not a great way to kick off our holiday. Everybody smelt like they’d just been to a ‘sweat as much as you can’ party in hell’s kitchen for one thing.

“It takes about two hours to fly to Barcelona. They could have flown that bag over about 80 times, 84 to be exact. They managed to do it once. When you face this level of incompetence you have to wonder if they’re doing it on purpose.”

Man with four daughters thinks nothing of playing misogynistic songs infront of them

Richard Hacqui, a divorced father of four wonderful daughters, thinks absolutely nothing of playing excessively misogynistic hip-hop and r’n’b infront of them.

“I’m not interested in all that headwrappy, incense burning, ‘let’s all be equals and try to be nice to each other’ wack shit. Miss me with that everytime,” he said.

“I mean, it’s not like it’s going to affect their attitude to men and inform their adult relationships? I think it’s really over the top to say that.

“As far as i’m concerned, i’m just being a cool Dad. I’m like that guy in the car advert who plays Dead Prez in the car while dropping his daughter off at school. What’s that you say? I don’t care if Dead Prez went out of their way to differentiate themselves from misogyny in hip-hop?

“Besides, i don’t see why at least one of them couldn’t have been a boy. I don’t think that’d be asking too much.”
Richard’s eldest Grace said: “it’s okay, we’ve always known Dad was a bit of a dickhead. Thank God Mum is a bit more switched on. She’s just bought me a Zora Neale Hurston anthology.”




Boris Johnson laughs at the gullible, misguided fools

Sir John Chilcot set to take senior position with Southern Rail

Now that his report into the Iraq war is finally in the public domain it was announced today that Sir John Chilcot is happy to be taking a long since agreed role within the upper echelons of Southern Rail.
“We feel he’s the perfect person to complement our culture of delays,” a spokesperson said. “We’ve been keeping an eye on him for a little while. By year four we were impressed. By year seven, we knew for sure he was our man. Sure there may have been political pressure. The bureaucracy must have been a bitch. But seven years? Seven friggin’ years! Now that is a delay. This man is my god.

“He’ll slot in perfectly. We’re running out of excuses for just how truly terrible we actually are. We feel strongly that Sir John can excel in this respect.”
Sir John commented: “I take fucking ages to do everything. I’m always the last to finish my dinner. You should see how long it takes me to decide what to order. That’s really fun.

“I’m planning to be at least an hour late on my first day. I plan to blame it on train delays and if they fire me I won’t care. I’ll just get a job at TFL.”

Disgruntled Remain voter refuses to attend Grandmother’s party

Royally pissed off eighteen year old Josie Peters has refused to attend her Grandmother’s 74th birthday party after finding out she voted for Britain to leave the EU. She has insisted she isn’t being childish.

“Fair enough, some of my fellow youngsters have gone a bit far with the whole ‘blame every old person you come into contact with and refuse to give up your seat on the tube’ thing,” she conceded. “Some of the most important pro-Remain sentiments have come from older people who will never be able to forget the effects of xenophobia. And it’s been a couple of weeks since the vote. I’ll give you that.

“When I saw Paxman ask Nigel Lawson if it was fair for older people to saddle younger generations with their outdated views I thought it was quite rude. I thought: ‘oh that Paxman. He’s a one isn’t he.’ But that was when I thought Remain would win. Now I know what he means.”

“Similarly to belly buttons, we were so much better in. I just can’t believe this. The stuff she’s been coming out with since Leave won has been incredible. I always knew she was, shall we say, occasionally prone to racism. But i found a way to ignore it. Now it’s too much. My mates have started calling her the ‘ku klux gran’. I do not want that nickname to stick.”

Josie’s mum Carol is beside herself.

“I’ve tried everything but she just won’t budge. I blame that Jeremy Corbyn.”
“I’m still going to go to her funeral – whenever that is,” Josie said. “But it’s too soon to make nice now.”

Boris Johnson laughs at the gullible, misguided fools

Following his unexpected departure from the race to succeed David Cameron as Tory leader, Boris Johnson has insisted that the idiots who think they’ve seen the last of him are sorely mistaken.

“Okay so Gove got one over on me,” Boris said as he leant back in his darkened lair on a leather recliner, an elegant white kitten relaxing on his lap. “He stabbed me in the front, back and bollocks. Well played. Big deal. If he, or Theresa May, or whoever, wants to be Prime Minister right now, then bally well let them. Article 50 will be more painful than 50 Shades of Grey. In no time at all, they’ll be shouting the ‘safe’ word. They’ll bellow it. Scream even. But it won’t work. The pain will continue. And they’ll just have to take it.

“I can bide my time. Whoever wins will likely give me a job in the new government at some point. I’ll knock out a biography or two while I’m waiting. I might even write one on John Major. That’ll be a laugh. I was planning to wait until just before the 2020 election anyway. I can still wait.

“Do you think I care about members of the public shouting at me when i leave my house? Do you honestly think I give a single solitary about Ewan Macgregor tweeting at me? He’s a superlative thespian but I’m still going to be world king.”
Allowing himself a satisfying gulp of cognac, Johnson stroked his cat before wincing as it drove its claws deep into his thigh.

“I swear by the whiskers of Miss Tibbins that I will return! And when I’m Prime Minister, I will make sure that every police force in the land has at least ten water cannons! You haven’t seen the last of the Etonians. Buller Buller! Buller!”

Britain never actually stood alone, old black man reminds anyone and everyone

The oft repeated claim that Britain can stand alone again after voting to leave the EU, has been rubbished by the surviving Black and Asian soldiers who fought for Britain during two world wars.

Former solider Carlton Joseph from St.Lucia was particularly adamant about the whole thing.

“I was well aware of the irony of fighting for a system that was determined to deny me my basic human rights. Apart from a few sell-outs, we all were. But I held my nose and fought during World War II and if it wasn’t for the soldiers from the so called empire you might not have made it to 1942 when the US came to save the day. If it wasn’t for all the Indian soldiers in World War I you might not have made it to World War II. Getting laid a shitload of times while on leave only partially made up for it.”

Carlton shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he warmed to his theme.

“I know you get reminded about us every now and again. But it really needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Without us you would have been truly fucked. Don’t believe me? Think how bad things were with us. Elizabeth I was queen the last time this country truly stood alone.

“I know life is hard. I get that. But I’m not sure if this was not a good idea. You think the ‘commonwealth’ countries want to trade with you? Fuck outta here.

“The prejudice you’re seeing following this referendum is not that different to the shit we had to put up with from people who we risked our lives to protect.”

FA announce Frank Spencer is to be new England manager

Following their humiliating defeat against Iceland at Euro 2015 the FA have announced that
Frank Spencer, the star of 1970s sitcom Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, is to be the New England manager. His wife Betty is to be his number two.

An FA spokesperson was keen to talk up Spencer’s credentials.

“Well yes, he’s not the obvious choice, and, yes, he’s a fictional character, but that actually works for us. We like our managers to not really be there, to have a certain absent quality.

Feats, Times and Life made a special journey to TV Land in order to be the first to interview Frank, who was revelling in the glory of his new appointment.

“Well I’ve been very quiet since the late seventies but I think this is the perfect chance to show the public what I can do. Let’s face it I can’t be much worse than the last guy. Our ideas about football come from the same bygone era for one. I don’t understand all these new fangled formations and I don’t expect i ever will. But I’m going to give it a go. It can’t be as hard as rollerskating down a busy high street.
“With Betty at my side anything is possible.”

Internet troll scared to leave house

Internet troll Keith Simon has finally admitted to himself that he’s scared to leave his flat.

“It all began to go wrong when my girlfriend left me for the last time,” he said. “We just didn’t spend enough time together. I only got to see her a couple days as she was so busy with work. What with me working days and her working nights it just didn’t work out. But overall, it wasn’t a bad girlfriend experience.

“It’s not like I’ve agoraphobia or anything,” he continued. “That’s a recognised medical condition. I’m just a massive wanker whose nervous, forget that, bloody petrified, of real human contact. Or any kind of contact that doesn’t involve me typing offensive bile on my keyboard. I just prefer being indoors. I get all my shopping delivered.

“Anyway, got to go. I’m sure there’s a woman somewhere on Twitter whose getting ideas above her station. Wanting to have Jane Austen on a banknote or something equally ridiculous like being an MP. Good job there’s people like me to keep them in check really. I provide a public service.”




Feats, Times & Life: June News Round-Up

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‘No f**ks to be given,’ pledges Obama

Barack Obama has insisted the noticeably increased lack of fucks given is going to continue to be a thing as he nears the end of his presidency.

“At times like this, I think of all those who were determined to make me a one-term President,” he remarked. “I can assure you and the American people that I give less of a fuck than Big Sean and I don’t fuck with you. I give less of a fuck than Eminem in ’97. Whaddup, Detroit.

“Did you see me up in Cuba not giving a fuck? Did you see me not giving a fuck what the In campaign thinks about me opposing Brexit? You see Harriet Tubman is gonna be on a twenty? I did that! You see me beat-boxing up in Vietnam? POTUS beat-boxing in fucking Vietnam! You ever thought you’d see that happen?

“You see me telling Hillary that real shit at the White House Correspondents Dinner? You think I’d have got away with that during primary season in ’08? Best of all, I’m the President that removed ‘negro’ and ‘oriental’ from official language. They were really mad about that one.”

At press time, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that, in time-honoured fashion, if President Obama had a pocketful of fucks he wouldn’t give you one.

Lightweight swears to never fall asleep on Tube/public transport again

Self-proclaimed lightweight Matthew Evans has sworn up and down to anyone who will listen that he will never fall asleep while drunk and tired on public transport ever again.

“You know how people say ‘never say never?’ Well I’m saying ‘never’. It’s just happened too many times. It doesn’t matter if it’s a night bus or the last Tube. I think I’m fine, I think to myself: ‘Oh, I’ll be home in the warm in about twenty minutes.’ And then the next thing I know I’m at the end of the line with either an irate driver or bemused cleaner staring at me.

“That moment when I suddenly jolt awake and realise I’ve gone and done it again is just horrible. It’s also actually really dangerous. You never know what could happen. I’m always thankful when I realise that I still have my wallet, keys and phone. In that order.

“I had a few of those really strong craft beers the other night. That was a good idea wasn’t it? I had to get carried out of there and put in a cab. Luckily I was with old friends. Can you imagine if that was a first date or something?

“You should’ve seen me after last year’s Christmas party. I woke up on the DLR at about 2 in the morning, and walked around Greenwich for about half an hour before I found a stupidly expensive cab. Not happening again.”

Man who was bullied at school denies scary dog makes him feel more masculine

Jerry Thomas, owner of three pitbulls and two rottweilers, has angrily denied that the principal purpose of his dogs is to make him feel more of a real man should he accidentally run into any of the many tormentors who bullied him at school.

“I really don’t know where people get this shit from,” he replied curtly while struggling to hold onto all five leashes at the local park. “I’m not trying to be intimidating when I let them go up to people and jump around and bark and stuff. Just because I know it makes them feel nervous it doesn’t mean that I’m using them as some sort of masculinity prop.

“But I tell you something. If someone breaks into my house they’re going to have a hard time taking something. Even if they down one of the dogs, there’s four more of them ready to bite a burglar’s balls off.”

Jerry’s girlfriend Marsha is having none of it.

“He always waits until right up to the last possible second before calling them off. I’d probably understand if it was the actual bullies – when he feeds them he pretends the food is the former bullies. Up until recently, Tyson, the youngest pitbull, thought ‘steak’ was called ‘Marlon Bunce’ – but it’s just random people trying to enjoy the nice weather.”

At press time Jerry was said to be walking through Clapham Common with Redman and Method Man’s Big Dogs playing at full volume in his headphones.

Die-hard Top Gear fans disappointed by lack of xenophobia

TNFODHTGF, The National Federation of Die Hard Top Gear Fans, are to lodge an official complaint with the BBC following the new version of the show presented by Chris Evans and former Friends star Matt LeBlanc.

“There’s been a lot of fuss since the first couple broadcasts but if you ask me everybody’s kind of missing the point,” TNFODHTGF spokesperson Billy Bulldog said. “Obviously I like cars and that. Especially vintage cars. But I also liked hearing Clarkson saying the kind of things that you really shouldn’t every now and again. Or the kind of things the politically correct brigade try to stop us from saying. Let them try.

“It doesn’t have to be loads and loads of barbs all the time. Just a reassuring comment every now and again to remind us the British are the absolute best. I’ll be happy with that.

“Chris Evans? Are you fucking serious. Gingers are practically black as far as I’m concerned. And the Yank? Don’t get me fucking started with the Yank! We invented cars first, mate. Don’t talk to me about Henry Ford, he must have nicked the idea off someone British.

“What’s that you say? Karl Benz? A German!! Do you want a fucking fight?”

Man who popped into pub for quick pint ecstatic to find girlfriend’s workmates there

After deciding to pop into his local for a quick one insurance broker Jack Norman was ecstatic to run into June, a colleague of his girlfriend Yazmeen.

“When I claimed I’d just come in for a quick one it may have looked like I was just making excuses,” recalled Jack. “But I really was planning on just having one quick one before a quiet night.”

“When I saw him at the bar I felt obliged to ask him to join us.” June explained. “I had to say something to fill the awkward silence that threatened to swallow us both up after we’d exchanged initial pleasantries.”

At this point, Jack felt as though he was trapped.

“I couldn’t really say no. It’s not that she’s not really nice and everything. She’s one of the few people Yazmeen actually gets on with. But instead of a quiet, refreshing pint I had to make small talk with all of these strangers. There were seven of them as well! Worst of all, after being introduced to some of them I recognised their names as people Yazmeen hates.

“The next time I decide to go there I’m gonna case the joint and look in the main window before I go in. It’s either that or some elaborate disguise. I have the decency to work in an area far from home. I can’t believe my lady can’t show the same courtesy.”

It’d be much better if Harry Redknapp was manager, English fans admit to each other

While no one in the national press will ever admit it, as Euro 2016 fast approaches, a growing number of England fans are realising they’d fancy the national teams chances of actually winning the damn thing much more if Harry Redknapp was manager.

“It’s not that Roy Hodgson isn’t an incredibly cultured, multi-lingual, well-travelled and seemingly very decent gentleman,” football fan Troy Bloindem explained diplomatically. “It’s just that he doesn’t have that spark Harry has.

“And while everyone has an opinion on the final 23 I really have to say that taking Rashford instead of Jermain Defoe is a bit silly. Rashford has had a great breakthrough season and is a real prospect. But Jermain Defoe just helped save Sunderland from relegation! If we’re losing 2-1 in the quarter final, would you want Batman or Robin to come off the bench?”

Troy’s friend Carrie agreed.

“Let’s be real, Hodgson is pretty much indicative of the FA’s need for someone who won’t rock the boat. He’s a safe pair of hands. But do safe pairs of hands win tournaments? Do you think Roy Hodgson puts the fear of God into the German, Spanish or Belgian manager? I just can’t see any of them being scared of sharing a touchline with him.

“Look at how shit we were in The World Cup. Wouldn’t it be great to see Harry leaning out of a car window, or even looking out of a coach window? Or doing something, anything, in an official capacity for England? I might even prefer Gary Neville.

“Don’t get me wrong, Roy has tried to change and I’ll get behind him. Obviously I want him to do well. I’m just scared we might need someone with a bit more oomph. Hope I’m proved wrong.”




Piers Morgan to campaign for new warning labels on music

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Piers Morgan to campaign for new warning labels on music.

In order to compensate for the trauma of having just a few of the harsh realities of racism encroach into his privileged world, Piers Morgan has reportedly started a campaign to introduce a new ratings system for albums.

Inspired by Tipper Gore’s famous mid-1980s campaign against swearing and sexual content, Morgan would like stickers, or labels of some sort, to warn him off political content that he clearly isn’t able to fully understand, yet doesn’t like.
“I much preferred Beyonce when she was safe and didn’t force me to contemplate social injustice when I, as a white man, don’t suffer any,” he said. “Is Beyonce using her platform as one of the worlds top artists to give the mothers who’ve suffered these terrible tragedies validation in a way the mainstream media outlets i work for never could even if they wanted to? No way!

“Look, black people might have to deal with the possibility of these threats to themselves and their families all day – and everyday for their entire lives – but Beyonce forced me to think about these issues for a few hours when i’d have preferred to have been relaxing. I can tell you that it was a few hours longer than i’d have like and it was very upsetting.
“I think they should do something like those parental advisory stickers. We could have one that said something like ‘angry black woman moaning about social injustice.’ And then i’d know to avoid it like the plague. Or one of my TV shows.”

Alan Hansen takes egg off of his face and smears it onto Gary Lineker’s.

Now that Leicester City have actually done the seemingly impossible and won the Premier League title, Gary Lineker’s comments at the start of the season about Claudio Ranieri’s appointment being ‘an uninspired choice’ have taken their rightful place alongside Liverpool legend Alan Hansen’s infamous assertion that ‘you’ll never win anything with kids’ which was proved wrong by Manchester United in the early nineties.

Hansen mischievously decided to mark the occasion by waiting for Lineker to finally leave his house on the day after his ‘we won the league’ party to commit a heinous drive by egging.

“Take that Lineker,” Hansen screamed triumphantly as he awkwardly reached for a hanky with his clean hand to wipe the last few remaining bits of yolk clinging to his face.

“You and friggin’ Lawrenson laughed at me in The Match Of The Day studio for years and i had to sit there and take it like a chump. Well i knew my day was coming. I always knew. And now it has.”

To his credit, Lineker, like most football fans, was so overjoyed at a genuinely heartwarming story that he let Hansen off.
“He’s missed us all a bit since he retired, so i didn’t really have the heart to get mad when he suddenly appeared and went for me while opening a box of half a dozen medium sized from the local supermarket. I didn’t expect him to enjoy it quite so much to be honest though.”

At press time it was confirmed that Mr Lineker is a great sport and deserved to be let off for his amazing goal in the 1990 World Cup semi-final if nothing else.

Office manager determined to find out which colleague leaves toilet in disgusting mess.

Office manager Troy Harkerson is becoming increasingly determined to find out which of his co-worker’s regularly leaves the staff toilets looking like a dung beetle convention.

“It might be this one guy who walked out of the cubicles while i was washing our hands. He blatantly wasn’t going to wash his but when he saw me he decided to half heartedly make a weak effort.

“Another time I saw that same guy in the kitchen downing the last dregs from a cup of coffee. He then ran it under the tap for like half a millisecond and then put it back on the rack like ‘yeah that cup is clean now.’ I feel sorry for whoever drank from that cup afterwards.

Troy began to well up as he described the worst aspects of the problem.

“Cleaning it up is the last thing I want to do but if I leave it like it is the next person who uses it might think it’s me. If they don’t see me leaving the cubicle they’ll see me walking away. Or they may see me coming back down the stairs. They may have just seen me leave my seat to obviously go to the toilet. It’s on the toilet seat, all round the bowl, there’s even a little on the floor. It’s everywhere. Who the fuck raised this person?

My partner tried to tell me that installing a camera was going too far. Well fuck that. If this persists i might just have to go all John Le Carre on that ass and leave a hidden camera in there. I will do that shit. No pun intended.”

Sadiq Khan secret head of Isis, says Goldsmith campaign.

As the 2016 mayoral campaign draws to a close the Goldsmith campaign have revealed that they didn’t go far as far they should with their attacks on Sadiq Khan, because he is actually the head of Isis.

“It’s worse than we thought,” a spokesperson said gravely at the hastily arranged press conference.

“His campaign to be mayor is nothing more an elaborate plan to make an attack on London all the more easier. It’s kind of like one of those movies where the goodie turns out to be the baddest baddie right at the end but nobody finds out before it’s too late. If you elect Mr Khan you’ll be doing the same to London.

“How does he maintain influence and wield power in that world while seemingly living the life of a London MP? Well it worked for almost every villain ever on Scooby Doo, plus almost every comic book baddie i’ve ever come across so i don’t see why he should be any different.”

Londoner Charlie Horton was having none of it.

“This may work elsewhere, but if they think Londoners are going to fall for this shit they’ve really misjudged their audience.”

Armchair racist John Hierny, who wants to leave London at the earliest opportunity, feels validated by the announcement.
“Well, he’s one of them so you can never be really sure can you? I hate immigration so i’m moving to Spain.”


Birthday boy outraged that friends girlfriend will be present on lads night out.

The more he thinks about it, the more Jamal Robertson becomes apoplectic with rage that some of his mates will be bringing their girlfriends with them on the night out he’s planned for his birthday.
“No I don’t think it’s ridiculous, and ridiculously childish, sexism. And no! It’s not just ‘cos I don’t have a girlfriend of my own,” Jamal said when asked.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting it to be just lads, just mans dem, just the boys, just people with penises. Why is that such a big deal?”

Jamal’s mate Rob, who actually enjoys his girlfriends company, is close to losing his patience.

“He’s always been a bit of a prick if I’m being really honest. I always kinda worry he’s gonna start shit for no good reason. I don’t know why I stay friends with him. If he gives my mrs any shit next Saturday we’re gonna have serious words.”

“Okay I admit it, if I didn’t pull, I was going to suggest going to a strip club once we leave the Club. Can’t do that if there’s women there can you. There. It’s out in the open. Happy now?”

He’s always been a bit of a prick if I’m being really honest. I don’t know why I stay friends with him.
There actually is special place in hell for Hillsborough wrongdoers Devil informs public

In a rare and hastily arranged press conference held earlier this week the anti-Christ travelled up from hell to let humanity know that he has some special treats in store for those found to be at fault over the Hillsborough tragedy.

“It’s actually kind of ironic,” Beelzebub commented to a packed room of journos at a smart central London hotel. “After a few years of listening to you pathetic humans use the phrase ‘special place in hell’ myself and my acolytes began using it as a joke and then it just kinda became a thing you know.
“Seriously, I mean I know I’m the most evil entity to ever be inflicted on planet earth but these guys? I just can’t fathom it. It really beats the shit out of me. If there was real regret it would have surfaced before anyone got caught. If there was real remorse there wouldn’t have been obstacles in the way of justice and it wouldn’t have taken 27 years.

“I wouldn’t have done anything like that to Jesus and, believe me, I hated his guts. I really fucking hated that guy. No redeeming features. For once I’m going to be the good guy.”




Feats, Times & Life: Youth on Public Transport, the PM on Celebrity Mastermind and Radical IDS

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Youth on public transport stinks of skunk

Train passenger Jason Douglas recently wiled away the entire hour long journey from South East to North West London blissfully unaware that all the other people in the carriage couldn’t help but take it in turns to surreptitiously glance at him due to the overwhelming stench of skunk weed emanating from his person.

“It’s really incredible that he can’t tell,” Media analyst Jane Werkeins, who was sat next to Jason, remarked. “It’s the first thing you notice when you walk on the train. I bet people on the platform can smell him when the doors open at stations.”

A few seats away from Jason, fellow passenger George Cartan was not fooled by the cheap deodorant Jason liberally sprayed over himself before leaving his mates house.

“If anything it’s created a new hybrid smell, which is even worse and easier to notice than just skunk on it’s own. I don’t know how he thinks no one can smell him. It smells worse than a thousand backsides. I hope he’s not carrying a lot.
“Why? He’s old enough to know better but he’s still young enough for this to have a big impact on the rest of his life if he’s caught with a lot. He’s definitely not older than twenty.”

Aging rasta Clifton Thomas was outraged in a number of different ways.

“Me na know why de yout’ dem wan’ fe smoke that blasted techno weed in the first place. That stuff is disgusting. Where in the ground does that grow? Hmm. You tell me that.”

Jason remained too lit to notice. If he had noticed, he wouldn’t have cared.

Mirrors wish humans would stop staring

MASS, Mirrors Against Stupid Starers, today condemned the general public for what they described as ‘a shocking lack of sensitivity’ when it comes to repeatedly staring at them.

While some mirrors quietly accept their fate and try to just get on with their life as best they can, other, more militant, mirrors have decided that something must be done. Conflicting ideas as to how to effectively campaign for the rights of mirrors has led to repeated conflict within MASS.

“If these stupid pricks keep eyeballing me I’m gonna fucking stick one on them one of these days.” Radical Mirror Martin Culver insisted at today’s central London press conference. “Wouldn’t you feel some kind of way about it if people were just staring at you day after day all the bloody time?”

MASS spokeperson, Ms Reanna Flection, visibly uncomfortable with Culver’s outburst, hastily tried to restore calm to proceedings.

“What Mr Carver is trying to say is that mirrors are not being used to their fullest potential. When a human being is stood infront of us, it represents one of the few times that person really allows themselves to fully be themselves. We have a lot of insight to offer into human behaviour. For instance, many people who normally scoff at superstitions become really nervous when they accidentally break us.”

She added: “You should see how scared some people become when a mirror accidentally falls from the wall.”
Unfortunately, the tabloid ‘journalists’ in attendance were doing their best to antagonise Mr Culver, and it worked.

“I’m sick of people constantly unloading their problems to me.” He said giving Ms Flection a dirty look. “I’m not their friggin’ therapist. Even worse is when they practice what they’re going to say for dates, business meetings and awkward phone calls with friends they haven’t seen for ages. Some pretentious prick even called me a ‘looking glass’ the other day. I mean can you believe that? I really wanted to punch him. And if one more ugly teenager squeezes a zit over me, i’m really gonna lose my shit.”

Black person in provincial town makes special effort to pander to right wing attitudes

Harold House, one of only a few black occupants of the village of Deadington, today defended his decision to pander to the prejudiced attitudes he encounters on a daily basis.

“I really don’t see what the fuss is all about. If I say the same things they say, but with a big helping of vitriol, then maybe no one will notice my skin colour. I’m just trying to blend in and not attract to much aggro. I first noticed i became invisible when everyone began slagging off Halal food. I joined in and gained immediate acceptance.
“I think we should definitely leave the EU,” Harold continued. “No it’s not simply the latest manifestation of what you might call Britian’s imperial hangover. That’s a ridiculous thing to say. How can a country not have control of it’s own borders?

“It’s entirely correct that Western news agencies only pay attention to terrorist attacks in Europe and almost completely ignore them when they happen elsewhere in the world. I think it’s much better to look at global issues from a purely Western standpoint.

“Seriously, i don’t mind it when people say coloured. They could be saying a lot worse you know. They frequently do.”

Prime Minister’s appearance on Celebrity Mastermind goes all wrong

David Cameron’s recent appearance on Celebrity Mastermind was seriously hampered by his inability to answer the questions he was asked. Regrettably, he finished last as a result.

Presenter John Humphrys is still dumbfounded.

“Even during the first round when I was asking questions on his chosen subject, the Beatles, he was all over the place. I asked who the fifth Beatle was. He replied: ‘King Henry VIII was the monarch who had six wives.’ I was mystified.

“I then asked which Beatle was gunned down outside The Dakota in New York in 1980. He responded with a long tirade about the governments record on green energy. He actually looked quite pleased with himself when he’d finished. We seriously considered not broadcasting. But it’s car crash TV at its best. By the time it got to the general knowledge round I knew we were in real trouble.

Cameron himself seemed unsure what the fuss was about.

“Well this is what i always do, especially at pmqs,” he responded when asked with an annoyed look o his face. “Week after week after week I ignore the questions that have been put to me and pontificate vaguely around the subject, or any subject really, until I feel I’ve said enough stuff. I don’t see why the same tactic can’t work on game shows.”

Famous person visits central London nightclub and has alcoholic drink

It has today been confirmed in a number of gossip rags that a famous person has patronised a well known Central London nightclub and consumed an alcoholic beverage whilst there.

Door manager Yuri Nemnotdown was so excited by the whole thing that her clipboard containing the all important guest list was trembling more than a naked person in the South Pole.

“I just couldn’t believe that this famous person chose my club when they could’ve chosen so many other clubs around here. It’s a massive honour.”

After gaining entry to the club, the famous person headed straight to the VIP area. Soon after the bar staff took the order for the alcoholic drink. The precise nature of the alcoholic drink has yet to be determined but you can bet it was something really posey, it wasn’t just a beer or something like that.

Excited clubber Jenna Rogers struggled to contain her obvious excitement.

“ I couldn’t believe it when i first saw the famous person. I thought to myself, ‘is that a famous person just having a drink and a bit of a dance?’ She gushed. “They weren’t really going for it, they were just sort of shuffling and that. But they’re properly famous. Not reality tv show famous. Actually famous-due-to-having-talent famous.”

Iain Duncan Smith to resurrect the Tooting Popular Front

In a profound demonstration of his new found love of activism and sticking it to the man since resigning from the government, Iain Duncan Smith has announced plans to reform the Tooting Popular Front.

“I tell you, once you shut down Twitter after smashing it on Andrew Marr you just feel that anything is possible,” IDS enthused. “When I was a young man in the seventies Wolfie Smith helped me fully realise what a moral compass was. I may have lost my way while in government but I’m right back on track now.
IDS has promised to back up his newfound social conscience with forceful action.
“I’m going to be a proper urban guerrilla. We’re gonna recreate Wolfie’s plan to kidnap a Tory MP in order to force the government into radical change. As I used to be a Tory frontbencher I’ll be able to get at least one of them to trust me. Only instead of kidnapping a local hoodlum I’ll get it right this time.

“While I was still a frontbencher, I considered kidnapping myself, but I didn’t have the guts frankly.”

At press time IDS was said to be in Camden Market picking out a Che Guevera T-shirt




Feats, Times & Life: Youth on Public Transport, the PM on Celebrity Mastermind and Radical IDS

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Youth on public transport stinks of skunk

Train passenger Jason Douglas recently wiled away the entire hour long journey from South East to North West London blissfully unaware that all the other people in the carriage couldn’t help but take it in turns to surreptitiously glance at him due to the overwhelming stench of skunk weed emanating from his person.

“It’s really incredible that he can’t tell,” Media analyst Jane Werkeins, who was sat next to Jason, remarked. “It’s the first thing you notice when you walk on the train. I bet people on the platform can smell him when the doors open at stations.”

A few seats away from Jason, fellow passenger George Cartan was not fooled by the cheap deodorant Jason liberally sprayed over himself before leaving his mates house.

“If anything it’s created a new hybrid smell, which is even worse and easier to notice than just skunk on it’s own. I don’t know how he thinks no one can smell him. It smells worse than a thousand backsides. I hope he’s not carrying a lot.
“Why? He’s old enough to know better but he’s still young enough for this to have a big impact on the rest of his life if he’s caught with a lot. He’s definitely not older than twenty.”

Aging rasta Clifton Thomas was outraged in a number of different ways.

“Me na know why de yout’ dem wan’ fe smoke that blasted techno weed in the first place. That stuff is disgusting. Where in the ground does that grow? Hmm. You tell me that.”

Jason remained too lit to notice. If he had noticed, he wouldn’t have cared.

Mirrors wish humans would stop staring

MASS, Mirrors Against Stupid Starers, today condemned the general public for what they described as ‘a shocking lack of sensitivity’ when it comes to repeatedly staring at them.

While some mirrors quietly accept their fate and try to just get on with their life as best they can, other, more militant, mirrors have decided that something must be done. Conflicting ideas as to how to effectively campaign for the rights of mirrors has led to repeated conflict within MASS.

“If these stupid pricks keep eyeballing me I’m gonna fucking stick one on them one of these days.” Radical Mirror Martin Culver insisted at today’s central London press conference. “Wouldn’t you feel some kind of way about it if people were just staring at you day after day all the bloody time?”

MASS spokeperson, Ms Reanna Flection, visibly uncomfortable with Culver’s outburst, hastily tried to restore calm to proceedings.

“What Mr Carver is trying to say is that mirrors are not being used to their fullest potential. When a human being is stood infront of us, it represents one of the few times that person really allows themselves to fully be themselves. We have a lot of insight to offer into human behaviour. For instance, many people who normally scoff at superstitions become really nervous when they accidentally break us.”

She added: “You should see how scared some people become when a mirror accidentally falls from the wall.”
Unfortunately, the tabloid ‘journalists’ in attendance were doing their best to antagonise Mr Culver, and it worked.

“I’m sick of people constantly unloading their problems to me.” He said giving Ms Flection a dirty look. “I’m not their friggin’ therapist. Even worse is when they practice what they’re going to say for dates, business meetings and awkward phone calls with friends they haven’t seen for ages. Some pretentious prick even called me a ‘looking glass’ the other day. I mean can you believe that? I really wanted to punch him. And if one more ugly teenager squeezes a zit over me, i’m really gonna lose my shit.”

Black person in provincial town makes special effort to pander to right wing attitudes

Harold House, one of only a few black occupants of the village of Deadington, today defended his decision to pander to the prejudiced attitudes he encounters on a daily basis.

“I really don’t see what the fuss is all about. If I say the same things they say, but with a big helping of vitriol, then maybe no one will notice my skin colour. I’m just trying to blend in and not attract to much aggro. I first noticed i became invisible when everyone began slagging off Halal food. I joined in and gained immediate acceptance.
“I think we should definitely leave the EU,” Harold continued. “No it’s not simply the latest manifestation of what you might call Britian’s imperial hangover. That’s a ridiculous thing to say. How can a country not have control of it’s own borders?

“It’s entirely correct that Western news agencies only pay attention to terrorist attacks in Europe and almost completely ignore them when they happen elsewhere in the world. I think it’s much better to look at global issues from a purely Western standpoint.

“Seriously, i don’t mind it when people say coloured. They could be saying a lot worse you know. They frequently do.”

Prime Minister’s appearance on Celebrity Mastermind goes all wrong

David Cameron’s recent appearance on Celebrity Mastermind was seriously hampered by his inability to answer the questions he was asked. Regrettably, he finished last as a result.

Presenter John Humphrys is still dumbfounded.

“Even during the first round when I was asking questions on his chosen subject, the Beatles, he was all over the place. I asked who the fifth Beatle was. He replied: ‘King Henry VIII was the monarch who had six wives.’ I was mystified.

“I then asked which Beatle was gunned down outside The Dakota in New York in 1980. He responded with a long tirade about the governments record on green energy. He actually looked quite pleased with himself when he’d finished. We seriously considered not broadcasting. But it’s car crash TV at its best. By the time it got to the general knowledge round I knew we were in real trouble.

Cameron himself seemed unsure what the fuss was about.

“Well this is what i always do, especially at pmqs,” he responded when asked with an annoyed look o his face. “Week after week after week I ignore the questions that have been put to me and pontificate vaguely around the subject, or any subject really, until I feel I’ve said enough stuff. I don’t see why the same tactic can’t work on game shows.”

Famous person visits central London nightclub and has alcoholic drink

It has today been confirmed in a number of gossip rags that a famous person has patronised a well known Central London nightclub and consumed an alcoholic beverage whilst there.

Door manager Yuri Nemnotdown was so excited by the whole thing that her clipboard containing the all important guest list was trembling more than a naked person in the South Pole.

“I just couldn’t believe that this famous person chose my club when they could’ve chosen so many other clubs around here. It’s a massive honour.”

After gaining entry to the club, the famous person headed straight to the VIP area. Soon after the bar staff took the order for the alcoholic drink. The precise nature of the alcoholic drink has yet to be determined but you can bet it was something really posey, it wasn’t just a beer or something like that.

Excited clubber Jenna Rogers struggled to contain her obvious excitement.

“ I couldn’t believe it when i first saw the famous person. I thought to myself, ‘is that a famous person just having a drink and a bit of a dance?’ She gushed. “They weren’t really going for it, they were just sort of shuffling and that. But they’re properly famous. Not reality tv show famous. Actually famous-due-to-having-talent famous.”

Iain Duncan Smith to resurrect the Tooting Popular Front

In a profound demonstration of his new found love of activism and sticking it to the man since resigning from the government, Iain Duncan Smith has announced plans to reform the Tooting Popular Front.

“I tell you, once you shut down Twitter after smashing it on Andrew Marr you just feel that anything is possible,” IDS enthused. “When I was a young man in the seventies Wolfie Smith helped me fully realise what a moral compass was. I may have lost my way while in government but I’m right back on track now.
IDS has promised to back up his newfound social conscience with forceful action.
“I’m going to be a proper urban guerrilla. We’re gonna recreate Wolfie’s plan to kidnap a Tory MP in order to force the government into radical change. As I used to be a Tory frontbencher I’ll be able to get at least one of them to trust me. Only instead of kidnapping a local hoodlum I’ll get it right this time.

“While I was still a frontbencher, I considered kidnapping myself, but I didn’t have the guts frankly.”

At press time IDS was said to be in Camden Market picking out a Che Guevera T-shirt




Cameron’s Football, Osborne’s Taxes and Jeb Bush

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In a surprise u-turn, Lambeth Council has gone back on plans to cancel this year’s Brixton Splash. However, the new version of events proposed is not expected to please those hoping to save the one day street festival in it’s original format.

The significant changes include water polo in the lido, a hunt in Brockwell Park and croquet on the lawns opposite St.Matthews Church. Sound-systems and reggae are to be banned.

Spokesperson Ken Slippery was keen to outline the reasoning behind the new approach.

“We felt the festival was the complete opposite of everything that’s happening to gentrify the area. This was actually deepening the values of ‘old Brixton’ at a time when we’re trying to get rid of them once and for all. It was threatening to get as big as Carnival. We don’t want that.”

He added: “I was at the boat race last year and as I looked across Putney Bridge I thought wouldn’t it be great if Splash was more like this. Drinking Pimms and gin is much more socially acceptable than smoking weed. We’re trying to invoke the spirit of Harry J Anslinger as much as we can as we feel this far better represents the new face of Clapham North.”

Brixton resident Giles Doyle-Rogers was very excited by the new plans.

“I always love telling my fiends I live in Brixton and it makes me feel really cool and edgy. But let’s be honest some of those coloured people are really scary.”

Prime Minister wants ball back

When first his marbles and then his kite went missing David Cameron took it on the chin, but now that Boris Johnson has possession of his football, he’s had enough.

“This isn’t the first time my ball has ended up in his garden while having a kickaround and while he usually messes around a bit, he always kicks it back to me in the end,” Cameron snivelled through heavy, irregular breaths, his quivering lower lip revealing him dangerously close to tears.
“But this time, instead of kicking it back, or even having a little kick around, he just picked it up, looked at me while flashing this sinister, triumphant smile just to let me know that he knew I’d seen him, and then ran away. If he doesn’t give it back I’m telling sir and I don’t care if get called names because of it. It’s especially unfair seeing as last summer he broke our window with his rugby ball and didn’t even say sorry.”
After he told, and enjoyed telling, repeated attempts by the prefects, then the teachers, and finally the head failed to calm little David down. A potentially soothing glass of lemonade only seemed to make him angrier.

“Anyway doesn’t matter what happens now. I was Prime Minister first so he can just poo off.
I know lots of secrets which I’m only going to tell to my real friends and then when we have the vote for most popular kid at school just before the summer holidays I’m gonna pull the rug from right under him. It’ll be worse than worse than William Brown and Hubert Lane.

Warming to his theme Cameron added: “He might think he has the upper hand. But he who laughs last and all of that. I’ll get him during the school holidays.”

Serial muscle flexer denies all

Estate agent Terry Moss has strongly denied accusations that he is a serial offender when it comes to fake casually flexing his muscles.

“Please,” his ex-girlfriend Keisha said while rolling her eyes. “D’you know that on our first date he kept his elbow on the table for the whole evening. I didn’t really notice at first but when I did notice I waited to see how long it would take for him to move it. He never did.

“He’d take ages to take a sip from a glass while holding it in mid air so his biceps bulged. It would always be a minute or two before he finally put his fork in his mouth. I knew it was never going to be a long term thing.”
“Listen, i’m on the frontline of London’s property crisis. These people might as well be playing snakes and ladders for all the chance they have of getting on the actual property ladder,” Terry said earnestly when questioned. “With all that on my mind, do you seriously think i have time to be thinking about my admittedly wonderful muscles?”

“He’s so full of shit. You know he actually shrinks his t-shirts on purpose so his muscles will show through more,” his flatmate Jerry revealed. “His constant fake casual flexing of his muscles while quite seriously hoping that anyone, even those members of the public who don’t know him, will notice was one of the first things I noticed about him. I decided to move in anyway.”

At press time, Terry was strongly considering buying a purple Ferrari with tricked out rims and spoilers.

Resolution keeper still won’t shut up

Despite spring being round the corner, smug resolution keeper Victor Garnett is still keen to spread the gospel of self-improvement.

“I always improve myself year on year and I never get tired of telling everyone I come into contact with about my self improvement journey. I’ve kept over 30 resolutions, 34 to be exact, in the twelve years since graduation. It’s a bit embarrassing but I’ve almost run out of things to improve. It’s really tough. A bit like buying presents for the person who has everything.

“Everyone at work loves learning from me. Is it enough sometimes to simply lead by example? Well, of course, yes. But when I apply special attention to an issue I can solve it far more effectively not to mention more quickly. There’s no one at home to helpm which is a shame, so I give my all professionally. And obviously while exercising.

“When I race people at the gym I always win. They always seem puzzled when I wish them better luck for next time but I think it’d be bad manners not to.”

Time travel the key to tax issues

Following the furore over Google’s so called ‘mates rates’ tax deal George Osborne has commissioned Dr Emmett Brown to assist with a time travel experiment so he can travel back to the dawn of the 13th century and seek advice on the matter from King John.

“This was probably the last time the establishment pissed off the populace so badly tax wise,” government insider Stanford Strickland opined, “so we figured he’d be as good a person as any to seek advice from. We don’t really see why the small matter of 8 centuries separating us should get in the way. We briefly considered looking in on Charles I but King John was much worse. He was a real piece of work.”
The issue of multi-nationals seemingly enjoying ‘sweetheart’ tax deals, while the have nots continue to be squeezed in a variety of inventive ways, has led to calls for Britain to more closely consider the stronger course of action that has subsequently occurred in France.

“Obviously we’re going to try everything we can to stop this,” insisted Strickland. “We’re not bloody French you know.”

To preserve the current status quo, and get yet more money from those who have none left to give, the tories are tentatively working on plans to privatise good manners in order to make up for the lost revenue.
“I first got the idea when i went to the birthday party of a friend’s son and heard one of the mother’s telling off one of the naughty children by using the phrase: ‘good manners cost nothing.’” Strickland enthused. “It was a real lightbulb moment.”

Jeb Bush excited to join uninspiring mayoral election

Desperate to take part in a political race that he can actually win, news has emerged that Jeb Bush is seriously considering entering London’s 2016 mayoral election. The fact that he has very publicly failed in a high profile presidential bid in the United States doesn’t seem to have deterred the former governor of Florida.

“We’ve still got shitloads of money left from the presidential campaign so we thought ‘why not?’”
Bush 2016 campaign official Todd Cranton shrugged. “This mayoral race is the most uninspiring political process I’ve ever had the misfortune to observe so we figured Jeb would have a chance. Think about the two frontrunners. Zac Goldsmith is even more embedded in the establishment than Cameron or Osborne. Sadiq Khan, the least worst candidate, is making promises that seem very difficult to keep.”

He added: “We’re gonna get Jeb to tweet a picture of a house with the word ‘London’ beneath it. This will show he really gets the housing crisis.”

“If I don’t win at least one more political process I won’t be able to show my face at the family table during Thanksgiving ever again.” Jeb said when questioned. “I mean, my brother was able to become President. I didn’t even come close to winning a primary. This is my last chance to save at least a little bit of face.”

At press time the Tories were considering replacing Zac with the more popular Jeremy Hunt.




Oscars, the Night Tube and Cecil Rhodes

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Organisers of the Academy Awards promise to make amends

Organisers of the Oscars have responded to the disbelief and anger that not one black actor or actress received nominations for this year’s ceremony by ensuring that they hire plenty of black waiting staff, valet parkers, cloakroom attendants and obviously, naturally, cleaners.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the situation was keen to lay out the thought process behind the new move.

“We’ve taken our inspiration from Hattie McDaniel’s timeless role in Gone With The Wind. We feel that it’s a great way to recognise and reward the enormous contributions made by black people in the film world over the last year. It’s entirely representative of where we want them to be and how we want them to see themselves. We briefly considered getting more black actors to present awards. But after a little thought, we decided against that. We’d much prefer they were in the background where they’re not so visible.

“Besides, we’ve already shown our commitment to diversity by hiring a black man to host the event and we feel these aforementioned steps further underline that effort.”

Aspiring black filmmaker Jamal Patience had to be persuaded to comment on record using his real name, for fear his career would suffer from speaking out.

“Look it’s not like we expect anything really real from these people, these institutions. But when they rub your face in it like that, when they make it that friggin’ obvious, it’s hard to ignore.
I mean the situation with Straight Outta Compton just lays it all bare. This is a movie about N.W.A! The movie is about N.W.A! And the only two people to get a nod from the Academy are two white writers? I remember seeing Ice Cube’s son as baby when he brought him out on stage at Brixton Academy in ’92. I’d love to see O’seha Jr win an Oscar. The whole thing with Creed is bad enough. But the way they handled Straight Outta Compton? I don’t even know how to describe that.”

The race is on to identify 2016’s food trend

Competitive foodies who want to identify 2016’s defining food trend as early as possible are said to be keenly scouring the cafes, delicatessans and street food vendors of Shoreditch, Hackney, Crouch End, Stoke Newington, Peckham and, of course, Brixton Village. As January progresses, the often silent competition is gathering pace.

“I spent all last Saturday at it,” admitted Delilah an SEO/Social Media account manager at Hipstertrendy.co.uk. “I was the first customer in my local deli. Then, a few hours later, once i’d spent £7.50 on my Oystercard I thought ‘what the hell i might as well get my money’s worth’ and went straight down to Borough Market.”

When questioned further, Delilah strongly denied that her motives are motivated by a weird, and completely unnecessary, competitive edge.

“If i can identify the trend now, when my friends bring it up in spring or even summer i can affect nonchalance and then say ‘oh that? I’ve been eating that since just after Christmas.’ Then i’ll totally move onto another completely different subject like it’s not a big deal. But they’ll know. They’ll know i was there first. And they’ll know i know. I was the first in our group to discover kale and the glow has never really left.
“You watch 2016. My Instagram is going to be on fleek. That’s what they’re saying now isn’t it? I’m sure i’ve heard that. I better go and check.”

Double standards within media to continue

TIFORWNO, The International Federation of Right Wing News Outlets, has announced plans for a new annual convention to help them pool resources in their never ending quest to find new reasons why events that look and smell like terrorism, are actually not terrorism because the people responsible are white.

“Well we figured this kind of thing was going to be happening more and more so we might as well plan for it right?” Event organiser Steve Harr insisted.

“The situations are very different. How can you say that this is double standards and selective amnesia? I’ll tell you something, the book those guys in Oregon brandish, The Constitution Of The United States, is not a religious book. So it’s completely different. The fact that all terrorists like to brandish is irrelevant. Besides, they listen to country and western and not that awful Middle eastern stuff so they can’t be terrorists.”

News producer Todd Harriyat was less enthused, and didn’t seem like he was looking forward to the convention.

“I’m kinda bummed if i’m being really honest,” he conceded. “It’d be quite easy to make the narrative about troubled white men but that’s just not what our audience wants to hear. There’s so much stuff you could mention. Timothy Mcveigh. A million mass shootings. Dylann Roof. You could even mention the bombing of black churches and the bombings of black towns in the US during the early part of the twentieth century.
“On the bright side, I hear the caterers for the convention are out of this world.”

Long awaited Night Tube isn’t going to happen anytime soon

The eagerly anticipated Night Tube continues to be the cause of intense disagreement between TFL and the unions. Strike action, and the continued threat of strike action, seems to be the order of the day for the concerned parties.

The all-night Tube was due to run on weekends from September 12 2015, a date that seems increasingly ridiculous as time drags on.

When questioned, spokesperson Mr G Radgrind was not confident of finding a speedy solution. “Regrettably, they’re not going let us take the complete piss out of these people’s lives. So we’re going to have to come up with some other plan. Obviously not one which involves paying them a wage which reflects the true value of their labour and respects them as human beings.”

Suppressing a chuckle he added: “Do you seriously think I give a fuck about their work life balance?”

Tube driver and all round decent person Trevor Collins said: ‘I signed up to work certain hours and without warning they suddenly wanted to change that. Do they really think i want to live like a vampire?”

Seasonal Adjustment Disorder sufferers to hibernate until March

A significant proportion of those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder are getting ready to hibernate until it is safe to venture into a beer garden with only one upper layer of clothing, preferably a t-shirt.

Sad sufferer Bernie Patterson, who has only just got over the trauma of wearing his ‘big coat’, for the past few months has insisted that this year he’s ready.

“Last winter was truly horrible. I spent night after night rocking back and forth in a corner of my bathroom while Stevie Wonder’s Summer Soft played on repeat on my bluetooth speaker. I tried playing Summertime by Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince a few times to change it up a little bit, but it just doesn’t have the same effect. Summer Breeze by The Isley Brother’s was a little better. But then i hit my head on the sink.

“This year? I’m prepared. I’m just going to sleep through it all. If it’s good enough for primates, bears and the like, then it’s good enough for me.”

At press time a breakaway sect of more extreme sufferers said they planned to hibernate until it’s definitely warm enough to wear shorts.

“Just to be on the safe side, we’re gonna be under until at least May, maybe even June,” spokesperson Henry Bishop confirmed.

“It’s not that bad before Christmas, ‘cos at least you have the festive season to paper over the cracks. But it gets real in January. Fuck January.”

End of the Rhodes?

The row over Oxford University’s statue of colonial era murder-holic Cecil Rhodes doesn’t show any signs of going away.

The removal of Oriel College’s plaque that honoured the man who played an especially enthusiastic part in the violence that resulted in British privileges and advancement will most likely prove to be the calm before an academic storm that will surely play a significant part in defining approaches to imperialism in the 21st century.

Oxford resident and Oriel college alumni Stanley Denhile was unrepentant when asked about the situation.

“Well let’s face it, the Africans were bloody stupid before we went over and showed them what to do with all of their natural resources. The simple fact of the matter is we like having it around the place. It reminds us of the good old days. Yes, he was instrumental in paving the way for apartheid, and, at the very least, was an inspiration for many of the Nazi party’s big fish. But things were different in those days. Now shut up, Zulu’s on the telly.”
History student Solomon Chunikeze is sick and tired.

“This is not about contemporary politics or political correctness or 21st century values or any of that kind of stuff. Britain’s imperial history is not complex. There was lots and lots of murdering and even more stealing. Remember what Rhodes told Gladstone? If he’d left us and our diamonds alone foreign students wouldn’t need a fucking scholarship would they? Doesn’t it speak volumes that South Africa was the last place that had this argument?”




Conservatives Call For Formal Reintroduction of Feudal System

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As part of their commitment to protecting and preserving the dignity of working families, a growing number of leading Conservatives are calling for a formal reintroduction of feudalism.

Douglas Sternhope, Tory MP for Crapshire West, insisted that they wanted to improve the self-esteem of working families hit hard by continuing economic difficulties.

“We want to empower people to know their place in society,” he said. “We want to banish the stigma of poverty by removing all hope of any social mobility. That way people won’t be classed as poor or less well off, and they will be more willing to accept their place in the great scheme of things. Being classed as a serf will give those with no direction a clearly defined role in life.”

“Besides,” he added. “The situation we’ve created is pretty much the same so we might as well make it official.”

Sections of the right wing media have enthusiastically backed the call saying it represents a return to “traditional values”.

Heartless journalist Morris Trotherd vigorously defended his stance when challenged.

“Look, if I play the game I might get a shot at writing one of their biographies in a few years. And then I’ll be coining it in. So I don’t really give a shit.”

IFFP attempts to put pontification bill through the court of Sky Sports

The International Federation of Football Pundits has today attempted to force through legislation to make unnecessary hyperbole an integral part of commentary, particularly at half time.

“It’s necessary to make boring games where not much has happened seem significantly more interesting than they actually are,” spokesperson Ian Fairweather explained. “We really need that subscription money to keep on rolling in. We have about five to ten minutes at half time and even longer at full time to fill with inane chatter and fake banter and if we have to do so with an inconsequential referring decision then damn it that’s what we’re gonna do. Okay?”

Retired player turned pundit Rob Mundane concurred: “I feel exactly the same way about largely innocuous tackles. If i can make a relatively harmless tackle seem potentially career ending that’ll take me right through to the ad break that precedes the second half.

“I’m shameless me. I once spent four minutes pontificating unnecessarily about a foul throw.”

Pundits who work within less popular sports like cricket and rugby are said to be monitoring events closely.

Pedantic dinner lady stands firm for the cause

A pedantic, jobs-worthy dinner lady has today explained the necessities of ruling lunchtime with an iron fist.

“If you let ‘em, they’ll try you in the same way Sosa tried Tony Montana. And you know I can’t be having that shit. So between 12.05 and 12.55 I stay on point.” Dinner lady Gladys Comber said. “Everyone from the head right through to the newest year seven gets the same treatment. Find out if I give a fuck. I make the rules around this here cafeteria.”

A series of increasingly troubling lunchtime incidents has focussed attention on the newly built academy in Holland Park.

“Thug life fool. You know I don’t play that shit. You tell ‘em Marjorie,” Gladys continued indicating her second-in command Marjorie Leadbetter, who was stood to her immediate right.

“Hmm mmm sho’ you right,” Marjorie agreed while absent mindedly fiddling with her bandana and gold chain.

“Just yesterday a trainee teacher tried to take a granola bar, when it’s clearly not a part of the meal deal he’s allowed to have. When I saw what was happening, I leapt over the counter, put him in a chokehold, and carried him off to be waterboarded until he admitted who put him up to it.”

Charity adverts still utilising 19th century stereotypes in 21st century

Despite it being 2015, the tiny minds behind TV advertisements for many well known charities are still portraying the continent of Africa in a way that 19th-century imperialists would readily recognise.

Whether by accident or design, the advertisements without doubt pander to a host of disgusting, and truly tired, stereotypes. Critics of the approach have dismissed it as yet another modern day example of the ‘white man’s burden’ approach and part of the wider narrative that paints Africa as essentially useless and in dire need of help from infinitely more sophisticated and generally superior Europeans.

Ghanaian Kofi Asante can’t believe that shit like this is not only still around, but helps form the dominant narrative.

“If we’re so poor and useless and don’t have anything, why did the British call our country The Gold Cost? Riddle me that eh? You ever thought about that shit while making your fucking stupid first world problem’s jokes?”

Meanwhile, spokesperson Rod Gilbert from well known charity Teach A Man To Fish defended the strategy.

“Our first, and indeed only, aim is to help people in need as quickly as we possibly can. If that involves relentlessly patronising them, and relying on ridiculous, self serving clichés, i make no apology for having the guts to be bold enough to do what needs to be done.”

Lonely elderly lady secretly glad noisy students are new neighbours

Elderly stick in the mud Florence Jarper is secretly overjoyed that a bunch of noisy students have moved in next door to her.

“Oh sure I act like it’s the end of the world. But secretly I’m full of beans,” Jarper admitted. “I’m going to be complaining about shit morning, noon and night. I’m particularly looking forward to going round first thing after a party to see if I can make their hangovers that tiny bit more unbearable. I’m going to bang on their front door as hard as i can, and if they don’t answer that means i get to keep on banging.”

The previous tenants were a specially selected coterie of Trappist and Cistercian monks who were taking part in a reality TV programme to see who could make the least amount of noise. The former group of monks won due to the Cistercian’s unreasonably heavy breathing.

“I didn’t get any mileage out of them at all.” Jarper recalled with a bitter scowl. “Of course if my husband Cyril was still alive there wouldn’t be any need for this sort of thing.”

Media outlets try not to name suspect connected with mass shooting but think “aaah, fuck it”

Despite vowing not to name the latest perpetrator in the latest mass shooting in the United States a plethora of media outlets worldwide, found that, when it really came down to it, they just couldn’t help themselves.

Roving reporter Diana Frintern today attempted to defend the media from the increasing criticism.

“We didn’t want to, and at first we were all adamant that this time we were really going to stick to our guns. But then everyone else named him – it’s always a him – and, you know, we really didn’t want to be left out. The competition for ratings is really intense and we just have to do everything we can.”

Are we knowingly contributing to the problem by giving them the perverse publicity they so desperately crave? Well, yes we are. But look, here’s the thing. I’ve just had my teeth whitened and multi-coloured highlights put in my hair. And i personally think i look pretty amazing on camera.”
News anchor Dwight Dean agreed: “Everyone i’ve asked agrees that with my new haircut i could easily be mistaken for David Beckham from my left side.”

At press time, Ms Frintern was insisting that next time it happens, they’re going to try really hard to have actual principles.

“There’s even a possibility we won’t make it the leading item. That’ll show ‘em.”

New Mallet’s Mallet style PMQ’s to be announced imminently

If the word on the street within the Westminster Village is to be believed, plans to replace the current PMQ’s format with something more reminiscent of 80’s children’s gameshow Mallet’s Mallet are already at an advanced stage.

Prime Minister David Cameron’s continued refusal to answer simple questions has been the main impetus for the change. Speaking on condition of anonymity our source within Westminster said: “It’s already a sort of word association game where he talks around a general subject instead of focusing on the specific question and/or matter at hand so we all thought we’d just go the whole hog and completely change things.”

He added: “Our hopes for the promised more respectful ‘new style’ PMQ’s have long since been dashed so we thought this was worth a try.”

Therefore, instead of calling for order as has traditionally been the case, speaker John Bercow will now start proceedings by informing the house: ‘it’s a word association game. You can’t pause, you can’t hesitate, or you get a bash on the head like this, or like this.’

Timmy Mallet refused to get involved when his requests to attend PMQ’s wearing an isty bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini were refused by the parliamentary committee.