Match Profile



Name:             Michael

Age:                24

Location:        London

Occupation:   ⚽er

Height:            6’1

Ethnicity:       White British

Religion:         Jedi

Smokes:          👍

Drinks:           👍


What’s made you sign up today?

Jst bin chukd off tinder innit 😂😂😂😂

What are you most passionate about?

PuC! PuC! PuC! PuC!

Im goin 2 levL w u. Im ^ & Im loaded. Cn mak it worth ur whils. Believs. 3 years go I wz playin n da Premier League & bangin a 👙{:o) – if urs on a datin site u aint gona b competin w Casey. She wz n 11. mAbEz a 12.

dnt mean 2 b harsh & a 🍆 bt im harsh & a 🍆 & uz may az wel nos d truth. I sholdnt b here. Im BETTER dan dis. I wz tipped 4 d top. FutR England Captain dey usd 2 caL me – d FEC.

Other than your parents who has been the most influential person in your life?

Bobby Potts. Wz signed by Spurs YTS. Bobby 👀 me. He shldnt hav. I conned him. Ppl dont lIk 2👂dis bt Im goin 2 tels u wot d wrld runs on. luk. Nuttin Ls. ⚽ iz n dfrnt.

I rememz w Bobby. 1st time. It wz a frezn sunday. I wz playin 4 St Francis U11s. 2 lads hadnt made kickoff 4 trafic so Iz shovd ^ frnt az a ringer. It wz complEt jokes. d pitch wz MASIF & I wz only a ½ 🍺. D othr kds wer giants nxt 2 me & went clatterin in2 evry tackle.

I wz  🙏 2 b subbed wen we won a corner. Da cros hit a defender bt anotha bal wz fizzed bak in str8 @ me. I tries 2 duc. Its no disco wen a ⚽ connxs in da ❄. Only I shif wrng & sticks m nut in d way. It smackd off my face & pingged in d 🥅.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Appy days! NE soreness wz 4gottn az I wz mobbed by teamm8s. No1 had clocked dat I hadn’t mEnt it. Evry1 jst kept sayin wot a brilant header it wz.

Bobby askd 4 dads permision 2 hav a wrd aftRwrdz. Hs fAc wz big & scrnch lIk 1 of thOs 🐶 w aL da skin. Wens he 🗣 he wz propR northern & polite. He didnt caL me son o squire. He Usd my name:

🗣 Now Michael how wud u lIk 2 plA a gAm @ Tottenham?

Yeah I’d lik that. I 🗣.

🗣 Now Michael its not a promis U👂. I dont mAk promises. bt you’ve shown me 2day U mite hav somtin.

We 🤝. Az I clutchd az mNE of Hs massive [email protected] fingers az poss pRt of me wntd 2 tel hims dat I’d jst got lckE. Only ther wz NothA tin whch sed 2 jst kEp m mouth shut & fleece d geez 🙈.

What’s your finest achievement?

d 1st 2 years of my procareer. I brOk in2 d Spurs 1st team wen I wz 19. Hd bcumd d cockiest ltl ba*d on d planet. I swears. I hdnt touched aNoth pros boots. Not a chance m8. frm dA 1 I wz the 💪 in d dressin rm.

d lads thawt it wz LOLs. calld me motor. fst on d pitch evN faster off it. alwys 🔫 my gob off bout how friggin fly I wz. & 4 d most part I backed it ^ w performances.

In a year I wz a 💯 on starter n dat midfield. Puns sed I had a gud engN. It wz tru. I cd run box2box aL dA loooonnngggg. Dad had cn 2 dat w a wells strict fitNs & diet.

d nx season I wz picked 4 d 🦁🦁🦁 U21s. I shinned aNothA Emile Heskey n a qualifier. Again d luk wz ignorD. I wz prAzD 4 bn n d rght plAc @ d rght ⏰. d media thN picked ^ on 🗣 Don Fabio mAd. He wz senior 🦁🦁🦁 mngr & told a bunch of 🖊 dat I wasn’t fR off my 1st ful cap. dat da fans wz rIt. I wz a FEC.

Ovr d NXT 12 mths I wz n d zOn. evrtng turnD 2 £££ or goals. aftR trnsfer intRSt frm Utd I signed a nu 5-yr-con w Spurs wrth £50k a wk. I celebrated by scorin a blinder gAnst Derby. ltl Luca played me n & I caught d ⚽ plumb on d laces. Sweet. Top-corner. 🏆 on MOTD.

Strikes lIk dat cn mAk U think yor 💩 dont stnk. U 4get d luk. evry shot o paS = luk. I 4get da luk.

& m luk turnD wen dads ran out. Nt lng aftR we watchD my Derby F4t win Goal of d Month he went 2 💤 & didn’t wake ^. Had a hart tack n d nyt. Doc 🗣 he didn’t fEl a tng. I sumtimz tink I wz lft 2 fEl it 4 him.

What are you looking for in another person?

Not n NE homo way bt some1 w dad’s charcter wud b 👌. He wz mo thN jst kind. n our 🏠 he wz lIk a fam superman. alwys ther 2 sAv d dA. wen he wz alive we wer lovin u no. dad cd handL mum’s diva & my sist’s dramas Ovr her ⚖.

life turnD 2 wank w/o him. d only tng dat kept d 3 of us tied 2geder wz my 💰💰💰. We aL luvd spendin it. I wz in2 my Audis & mum & sis dored lux 🏖. It mAd the 🏠 a lonely plAc.

Props 2 d gaffer & d lads. Dey tried 2 help. dey cd c I wz strugglin. That’s how I endD ^ n a casino. Ddly Dan forced me 2 cum out 1 nyt. He 🗣 I had a kisser lIk a droppd pie & neded a 🍺 or 12.

Appy days again. I wons £10k @ Blk Jack. Aft de wz 🍾 + cigars + tabs of somTIN dat flew me off d edge of d 🌎. I woke ^ n a hotel suite w Casey sneakin a 🚬 out d window.

Mornin sexy she 🗣 w d filthiest 👄 I’d eva cn.

I didn’t hav chaNc 2 🗣 b4 she pounced & Usd her 👅 t fly me off d othR side of d 🌎. I kept it shhh dat I couldn’t remMbR her name o how we met. o dat she wz Marypoppins me.

How do you typically spend your free time?

ppl don’t realise dat footballers hav alot of frE ⏰. Trainin iz only a few hrs. Da res of ur ⏰ iz urs 2 fiL. Iz uz to d bear 🎮 before Casey. Thns she took ovs & wez together dA & nite & m gAm feL part.

⚽ bcame bkgrnd. I 💤  thru matches ½ 🍑ed. d press 🗡. d fans 🗡. Bt wz I bothered? Nah. I had nu bisness – partyin & fknin.

2 begin with d club gave me a paS for it. evry1 news how much dad hd mEnt 2 me & it wz a xcuse 4 Y i per formed so shocker. I h8 2 sas it bt🍴on t. & ad sympafy dried ^ wen evry1 found out hu I wz hookin ^ w. Casey wz weLs kown dn da Lane.

I srt of remMbR d day it hapnd. A team m8 clocked dat I wz 🤢 n trainin. He belted da ⚽ & knocked me flys. thN he ran Ovr 2 soz bt he didnt soz.

🗣 Do U knO you’ve turnD in2 a massive [email protected] recently. Every1 tinks it.

& he wz right. Every1 wz tinkin I wz a massive [email protected] De wz 😡 aLs ovr d shop.

A wk later it got worser. I missed a pen. I thawt it wz a chaNc 2 prov meself u no. I wz wrng. I scufed d ⚽ str8 @ d keeper tryin 2 Pirlo. Fknin idiot. It 404ed my plAc n d dressin rm.

Frm dA 1 Id Bin bang n d gaffer’s 👀. I arriv bak aftR dickin d pen 2 & find my stuff aL Ovr d place. My nam had bin grafiteed w a ==) & iz shuntd 2 d 🏝 of d benches.

I fronted lIk I didn’t cAR. n truth I wz 💔.

Do you believe in fate?

yS. evrtng iz dwn 2 luk o chance o wutevs U wnt 2 caL it. Al da same.

my bad run continuD. I wz on d bench. 1st time evs. Only getin 10mins playin ⏰. & d chant stopped. My chant. d FEC 1. 1 wk dey wer 🎶 it. d NXT dey wz 😶.

Didnt fuss me thogh. I wz stil bn paid. And da lads wz avin a mare without me. I wz thinkin Id be back soon cause day neded me.

Bt den da gaffer got da 🔪. & dis real hrsh Jose rived. da fella didn’t spk mch english & wen he did it wznt 2 me. He wud hav got shot 4 suR f there’d bin a buyer bt ther wasn’t. My rep hd gone beyd the Lane.

That’s wen d drinkN got sears. I couldn’t kick a ⚽ w/o a cheeky tast & stoped carin hu new. My agent + d fans + d family + d club’s 🏥. dey aL tried 2 chat SOS. evN som 👔 frm d FA attpted 2 hav a shhh wrd. I refused 2 👂.

bless him 🙏 Bobby stuck Hs oar n aftR a 🖊 ran an exclusive – FALL OF d FEC. ther wz a 📷 of me arsin out a club w Casey nxt 2 a 📷 frm a yr earlia. Yeahs, I’d put on sm gut 😬

Bobby wz w8N n d car park @ d trainin ground.

🗣 Now den Michael. We nEd 2 b havN words.

🗣 I’m runin la8 Bobby.

🗣 I’m shocked U hEr. :o. wot dar tellin me. Im thinkin thats not my Michael. Nt w such a good dad & decent brain. A football brain.

🗣 Bobby…

🗣 You won’t b abL 2 blAm her u no. It’s aL U lad. I cd bloody weep son.

im not suR f you’ve eva wntd 2 knO wot it feels lIk 2 🐶🔫 coz I cn tel uz. coz dats wot I did. I loked at Bobby & 🗣 FUCK OFF!

& I saws his 💔

Do you have any regrets?

Ys. d bigest? My conviction 4 🍻+🚗.

We wz @ dis event – me & Casey. d nyt wz windin & we got vited 2 nother 🎉. I news I wz t0 messedup 2 driV so we 📱 a cab. 10 mins d guy 🗣

40mins l8r & we wer d only numptEs stil w8N. Casey iz givN me bear grief 4 screwin ^ d bookin & its 🌧.

@ d time I wz stil thinkin my career wsnt 💀. beginN of d nite Id hd evry gud tention of no 🍻 2 b fit 4 trainin. My car wz parked 2mins away.

So we tk shelts on d white lethR seats. I wz stil not tendin 2 driV. I wz t0 bizy fightin coz we wer arguin bg stylE. We RguD a lot. RguD thN fcked. Fcked thN RguD.

Casey finalE mAd a remRk bout da car not movin & I 😡. I stuck d 🔑 n & sped.

🗣 Im impressed. Casey LOLz. Uve grown a 🍒. Wan a blowie?

I ignorD her & pt my toe ↓. Casey shrugged & bgan 2 do her 💄 n d mirra.

I lok ovr @ d lush 💋. ahed ther wz a curve n d road bt steerin cd W8. Wz 🍆 & cn’t hlp 👀. I toL her how fne she wz & dat I lovd her. d sure way of getin dat blowjob. Casey 😍. I 😚. Next tng I remMbR iz her aaaaahs.

What were the last things that made you laugh and cry?

😀 = No injre 4 me & d club couldnt fnd enuf 2 🔪my contract. dey hd 2 💵 me out. n court I got a spended & drivin ban. My lawyer mAd d argument dat Casey hd stracted me.

😥 = d impact wz on Caseys side. Shes Anfield legs – will nevr wlk agen. Weve not 🗣

since d akcdnt. Iz tried 2 🗣 her mNE tims. Iz lIk 2 🗣 her 1 ting. Iz lIk 2 sA dat I wsh I cd swap places.

Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?

Tony Adams w a gf hu doesnt pt ^ w my 💩. wed hav 2 kds & by then my ⏰ az a ⚽er wil b enuf in d past 4 me 2 tak em dwn d Lane. In da stadz Id hope 2 blnd in u no. jst b aNothA fan. Not scared of som idiot tappin me on d shulder n 🗣 didnt u usd 2…

Anything else you would like to share with your matches?

Dis story hz got 2 b wrth a qickE  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

About Luke Melia

Luke Melia is a London based writer. His short stories have been published by The White Review, Unthank Books, and HISSAC.

Luke Melia is a London based writer. His short stories have been published by The White Review, Unthank Books, and HISSAC.

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