Somewhere Real®

something feels wrong and I have the feeling I won’t know what until it’s too late, wish I never sent you that email, wish I phoned you instead or went to see you maybe in actual real life, yesterday I needed to see you so much after we ‘talked’ via messages while I was walking around looking for a place to live in Galway, only the estate agent was phoning again in between all of that, it seemed urgent at the time although the upshot is unclear, won’t hear until after the weekend I think, and my dad was also phoning or texting from the hospital, yeah texting but then the phone died anyway, I’ve completely lost the phone habit, keep forgetting to charge it, don’t know how people cope with these machines or remember to carry them around, Candy says I’ll soon get the hang of it again but I’m not sure I will even though you sort of have to, even though that is just how things are, and it is so long since I have seen you or will see you, not in an email or an app but in the actual world, an actual world which has both of us alive in it at the same time and place, I don’t count and weigh things like you do but I know it’s been long, and I had no internet at the house maybe the ants chewed through the wires, can they even do that, so I went to the Roasted Bean which is the local cafe and rush-translated that last email that I sent you on 11% to 0% battery on my laptop, so a straight cut and paste out of the translate boxes until the screen went black, plus it seems now as if it meant something deeper, was some kind of coded message, but this happens to nearly everything I ever send/t you, like the worst and most annoying was the phone pic of the raggedy lead next to the dented port on the laptop and then you told me off for being obvious when I wasn’t, I was just a tired person who had been travelling too long and didn’t see that version until a minute after, and straightaway wished I’d never pressed send in case you thought what you did think, and all that is so long ago now but it happened here where I am waking in this strange house that did not used to be strange, where my crazy chairs belonging to my life before I tried to be a mother now live on without me, this house where one of my first jobs on move-in was to get rid of the ants and now they are back, making little black marching lines in the kitchen and bathroom, swarming the coconut shower gel, two of them even getting in the bed and biting my legs, they were patient, those ants, they waited all this time ready to take over again and now they are winning AND I probably should not send this, or should I, but anyway the evil intermittent internet is making a call on that for me… and this is all blah blah blah, megabytes without end, I would like instead to hear your stuff which you are not telling and maybe if you did tell it would be worse because you would say that you have to be in the present in the here and now which means her and there in that city, not in this city with me, which means I’m crazy to still want to mess with you and you should stay in your her and there and not reply which is perhaps what you are thinking also, is it, or are you asleep and not thinking at all and I want to be with you and for it to be right to sleep near you somewhere not in a cut and past but a cut and future, somewhere in a world without wifi, somewhere real

Sunday 1 April
 
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