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Alien Hawks to Use Donald Trump as Excuse to Invade Earth.
It has today emerged that Donald Trump’s imploding presidential campaign has led to increasing numbers of Alien hawks citing the Republican nominee as the principal reason to invade Earth.
Hawks from the planet Beachavniar have been noting Trump’s assertions that the election is rigged and extensively quoting his “grab them by the…” tapes in their parliament in order to try and win over the doubters who think Earth should just be left alone.
“It’s just too good not to use,” leading hawk Hurungan Krisseng admitted when questioned. “I mean, this guy’s too crazy even for the Tea Party? Remember them? You just don’t hear about them anymore, do you? Our pitch is pretty much this: ‘If you let this guy slide, what follows him?’ What is the next level of extreme right wing bullshit? Scary thought right?
“Those who say that this is all about taking control of Earth’s natural resources or feeding the beast that is the Intergalactic Military Industrial Complex are just wrong. It has nothing to do with that at all. We just hate Trump. Any species that can even contemplate letting someone like that get anywhere near anything even remotely resembling power cannot be in control of it’s faculties and cannot be trusted to manage their own affairs.
“So when we win support for the invasion this isn’t going to be some ‘get down or lay down’ thing. Mars Attacks ain’t got shit on me.”
UKIP MEPs to Form Football Firm
Following the resignation of recently hospitalised UKIP MEP Steven Woolfe, the party has announced that it is to rebrand itself as a football firm.
The announcement is meant to divert attention away from the fact that Diane James lasted just 18 days as leader and Nigel Farage isn’t really up for it anymore.
“We feel it’s a really exciting new development for the party,” a spokesman who insisted on being referred to as a spokesman said.
“Post-Brexit we didn’t really know what to do with ourselves if I’m being really honest. We couldn’t find anything to project our considerable anger onto, and you know we can’t publicly say all of the stuff we say to each other in private. Trust me, ‘bongo bongo land’ is tame compared to the kind of stuff that gets said behind closed doors.
“Therefore turning our anger onto each other provided some temporary respite. That’s what it’s all about at the end of the day. We have to find some sort of outlet for all of this inner hate. Pretty much all of us have anger management problems.
“Millwall? Chelsea? West Ham? They’re all pussies compared with us. You watch. West Ham’s next home game? We’ll spill their claret all over fucking Westfield. See if we don’t you mugs.”
Person Says Multiple Platitudes Before Leaving
Likeable but slightly annoying Jason Squires is incapable of leaving anywhere or anyone without saying goodbye in at least five different ways.
Jason has always been guilty of two or three platitudes, but his habit has worsened considerably as he’s got older.
Best friend Stephen Ture said: “I really like Jason but I could read War and Peace in the time it takes him to say goodbye. You know when you finish your drink and prepare to leave? I’ve started buying another drink just so I don’t dehydrate while Jason is saying goodbye in about fifty million different ways. If a group of us goes out saying goodbye at the end of the night lasts almost as long as the actual evening itself.”
His extensive use of platitudes also extends to his phone conversations.
Ex-girlfriend Nyesha said: “You know when you’re still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and are all like ‘no, you hang up?’ I nipped that in the bud pretty damn quick. There was a couple times when I slept through my alarm clock ‘cos that guy just refused to shut the fuck up.”
Jason said: “Safe. Wicked yeah? Nice one. All right, cool. I’m about to be out. See you soon bruv. I’ma bounce like a bad cheque. I’m ghost. Audi 5000. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Have a good ‘un. Peace and hairgrease.”
Script is Flipped as Complainer Has to Deal with Complainee
Fred Forger, a Southern Rail employee who works in the complaints call centre, had his day made when he was to be able to turn the tables on arch nemesis John Camper, who phones to complain frequently and is almost always put through to Fred.
The chance real life meeting occurred when Fred travelled to the other side of town to meet a friend who’d recently moved there.
“As soon as I heard his voice I knew it was him,” Fred said.
“I do feel some sympathy for him. After all, our service is so bad it constantly makes him late for work. It really isn’t an exaggeration to say that we’re adversely affecting his quality of life. That said, this was too good an opportunity to pass up.”
John said: I knew there was something strange about him soon after he arrived at the bar. He had this weird grin on his face when most of the people in here are miserable bastards. Then he started complaining and nitpicking about every friggin’ thing. The beer was cloudy. It was too expensive. The music was too loud. At one point he demanded I account for Donald Trump.”
Brexit Will Also Allow Free Trade in Upside Down Land, Insist Leading Brexiters
The increasing number of protestations from prominent politicians across Europe that Britain will not be able to enjoy access to the single market while at the same time pursuing an immigration policy that will satisfy closet racists has not made the slightest impression on Brexiteers who insist, often angrily, that Britain will be able to have its cake and eat it.
Those same Leave voters have today announced that not only will Britain be able to have its battenberg and eat it too, post-Brexit Britain will also be able to do the same in Upside Down Land.
An anonymous source said: “We’ve just received confirmation from Dustin, Lucas, Mike, Eleven and the whole gang. Even Will is on board. We’ll have freedom of movement but none of those lot will be able to come over here. Do you think I want to see faceless monsters ruining Henley Regatta?
“What’s that you say? This will also affect the freedom of movement of British people throughout Europe? Well correct me if I’m wrong but last time I checked they were ex-pats not immigrants. There’s a clear difference.”
Man Ecstatic to See Work Colleague on Same Train Home as Him
John Gifford was deliriously overjoyed on Monday evening when his work colleague Jack Bufield enthusiastically tapped him on the shoulder before sitting on the chair next to him on the eastbound jubilee line train.
Gifford managed a smile and made conversation but the combination of tiredness and boredom was killing him inside.
“My ride home usually consists of reading, staring at my phone or resting my eyes,” Gifford said. “The day in question was a rest your eyes day.
“I didn’t even know he caught this train otherwise I’d have been more vigilant. I feel bad ‘cos Jack is actually a really nice guy. But it’d been a really long, really trying day and I’m not really that bothered about his son Nathan’s science project. Nathan’s a really nice kid by the way. I’m such a bastard.
Jack said: “As soon as I saw Bob I immediately headed for him as I thought it’d be a great chance to get to know each other better. I got to bounce some ideas off of him on the normally boring ride home.
“We’re going to get the train together everyday now. I think we can become firm friends. You know how you’re friendly with a lot of people but not really friends? We’re the second one.”
American Racist of Eastern European Heritage Dismayed by British Racists’ Hatred Towards Eastern Europeans
During a recent trip to England, American racist Brad Kachajowski was dismayed to find out his British counterpart Brian Willis harboured hateful feelings towards Eastern Europeans.
Brad was hoping to form a transatlantic alliance, only to be dismayed when he was faced with the kind of prejudice that he usually dishes out.
“I thought we could forge an alliance but the way he kept going on and on about the jam rolls kinda spoiled everything,” he remembered.
“I thought he was talking about some delightful British pastries. Before I came to Britain I was hoping to try an Eton Mess but I thought ‘hey, a jam roll will do.’
“I only twigged when he started moaning about Lithuanians, Bulgarians and all that stuff.
“My parents came from Eastern Europe and I don’t appreciate that. I was looking at this guy like ‘is my surname not a dead giveaway? Like really?’
“They didn’t speak the language and unlike the blacks managed to pick themselves up by their bootstraps.
“What’s that you say? I may be an immigrant but it’s not like I’m a fucking Mexican or anything. Huh? Well they may have been living on the American continent for centuries but we’re the real Americans.”