Feats, Times and Life: Fabric, Owen Smith and the Tears of Joe Hart
Teenagers to stop taking drugs following closure of Fabric.
Now that Islington Council have closed superclub Fabric, teenagers, and young adults in general, are to stop their never ending search for ways to get totally out of their brains.
The council supposedly want the public to believe their widely criticised decision will succeed where both prohibition and the “war on drugs” failed miserably.
A spokesperson for the council said: “Can we talk off the record? Good. Look, instead of looking at the underlying long-term problems, we thought we’d close a nightclub. It was just easier. I’ve got a lot on at the moment.
“What’s that you say? No, I don’t accept that the kids who insist on experimenting with mind-altering substances will simply go to other, potentially even more hazardous, most likely illegal, clubs as result of this ruling. I don’t accept that at all.”
Budding DJ Norman Rogers said: “The deaths of the teenagers at the centre of this case are obviously very serious and very tragic. You can’t imagine how their families must feel. But this is a sticking plaster on a gunshot wound situation.”
18-year-old Martin Lit said: “If you mix cough syrup with almost any drug of your choice, that shit gets you fucked up man! I still haven’t come down.”
Sports Direct realise their staff are human beings
The management of Sports Direct have finally realised their large workforce are homosapiens and not cattle or horses.
The discovery that their staff are not livestock has prompted them to end the obviously inhumane practice of zero hours contracts.
Regional manager Shane Driver said: “Look, I’ll hold my hands up. My bad, okay. I feel really silly, like how could we have not noticed that? How could we have not noticed that they had hands and eyes and feet and feelings. It’s been a real revelation. Personally, I blame BoJack Horseman. And centaurs.
Financial director Colin Guap said: “I actually knew they were human beings but I just didn’t give a shit ‘cos I was sorted and that’s all that matters really. That and the bottom line. What’s that you say? Quality of life. Do me a fucking favour. If it wasn’t for that Commons committee in June none of this would be happening.”
A Sports Direct employee who was too scared to reveal their identity said: “I guess twelve hours is better then nothing. At least I can budget a little bit as opposed to not at all. If I save religiously and don’t enjoy life at all, I might be able to go on holiday in about ten years.”
Luke Cage causing massive insecurity among male of the species.
The impending arrival of Luke Cage, Netflix’s latest superhero-centred must-binge-watch extravaganza, is causing crippling insecurity among males the world over.
Geeks and non-geeks alike are said to be united in their quest to bulk up as much as they possibly can so they don’t feel like total weaklings when the series inevitably becomes stupidly popular this autumn.
Marvel fan Keith Yumnik said: “Now that summer is on the way out I wasn’t really planning on going to the gym too much between now and Christmas. But after seeing that trailer I’ve started going three times a week. I’ve signed up for a few different classes and I even signed up with one of those personal trainers which is probably going to add about ten grand to my monthly fee.
“This situation’s even worse than that Old Spice advert where the guy was on that horse. I’m much more comfortable with Season 2 of Narcos. Pablo Escobar may have been a super trill, double hard drug lord when he wasn’t blowing up planes and drug stores filled with innocent people, but he was in terrible shape. Especially towards the end.”
Keith’s girlfriend Chrisette said: “Now he knows how I felt when he insisted on watching Beyoncé’s Super Bowl performance again and again. And, of course, how women have felt since the proliferation of popular media.”
Joe Hart crying himself to sleep nightly
It was today reported that England goalkeeper Joe Hart has been crying himself to sleep on a nightly basis ever since he signed on a season long loan to unremarkable Italian side Torino on transfer deadline day.
His loud, heart-wrenching sobs can be clearly heard by anyone within a half mile radius of his new residence. Neighbours have reported trouble getting their kids to sleep.
“I honestly thought Pep was just stamping his authority like Manuel did last season.” Hart said in between sobs. “I thought he’d play Caballero for a few games to make his point and then I’d be right back in. If only I hadn’t been so shit during Euro 2016 with free kicks. I may have been given a chance if that hadn’t happened.
“Did you see the size of that of that fucking balcony? You couldn’t swing a baby mouse let alone a cat. It’s by far the shittest hotel I’ve ever stayed in. I tried to look pleased, I really did.
“If I cry for around half an hour that usually wears me out enough to get my head down for a few hours. Things are looking up too. I only had to cry for about ten minutes or so last night.”
Granata Ultra Giovanni Modoci said: “I can’t wait to hospitalise someone while singing our new Joe Hart song. It’s going to be a real moment.”
Owen Smith to seek advice from The Black Knight
As his campaign to replace Jeremy Corbyn as Labour leader heads for sure defeat Owen Smith is to seek advice on how to go down fighting from Monty Python’s The Black Knight.
Smith initially turned down the chance to work with the deluded crusader, but the few advisers still working on his campaign managed to talk him around.
Smith said: “At first I was a bit reluctant, but my advisers said if I wanted them to stay I had to choose between the Black Knight and Walter Mitty. As things continued to deterioriate I just thought “what the hell” and decided to give it a try. Nothing else has worked.
“The Black Knight really has that whole ‘carry on in the face of stupefying, insurmountable adversity’ thing down pat. I just don’t want anyone to cut off my arm with a sword. Or do anything to me with a sword if i’m being really honest.
A Smith campaign adviser who spoke on condition of anonymity said: “It all seemed like such a good idea when they decided to replace Angela Eagle with Owen. We thought ‘here’s someone who has a real chance of beating Jeremy and setting the Labour Party on the right course.’ Boy were we wrong.”
At press time Smith was said to be considering taking advice from the newly jobless Keith Vaz.
Women who wears headscarf goes whole week without having to deal with bullshit
For the first time since Brexit, a woman who wears a hijab has gone a whole week without having to listen to any crap or face the threat of violence.
Anjili Begum is ecstatic at having enjoyed a full seven days without having her essential humanity challenged in any way.
“Seriously, not even a shitty sideways glance on the Tube,” Anjili enthused. “It’s been really nice being able to just go about my business without any of the usual shit that i have to deal with. Trust me, things got real since Brexit.
“Funnily enough, nothing has ever happened to me when I’m out with my three brothers. But when I’m on my own it’s open season. I can’t for the life of me work out what it could be.
“On the other hand, since that stuff in France I’m dreading the worst. I’m anticipating another bad month. Oh well. Maybe one day this will all go away.”
Landlord decides he still doesn’t have enough money
John Tarl, who has been a landlord for more than a decade during London’s property boom, decided on Tuesday that he still doesn’t have quite as much money as he needs.
He vehemently denies that he is simply a really greedy bastard and terrible human being.
John said: “I raised those rents in line with market value as is my right. Everyone else does it. Well, not absolutely everyone. I know a few landlords with, um, what do you call them again? Oh yes, ethics and morals. But I don’t know that many!
“Yes my tenants had been living there for just under two years. Yes, they did have a young baby. No they’d never given me any trouble at all and always paid on time. But I need more money.
“How am I going to be able to afford a holiday home and a yacht if I don’t milk my tenants for every single penny I can possibly squeeze out of them?”
At press time John was heard driving around the ends in his car blasting Biggie’s Mo Money Mo Problems.