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“This shit’s gonna be so dope,” says IOC
The IOC has insisted that the 2016 Rio Olympics are going to be the dopest yet, no matter what anyone thinks.
“Do i care that we’re making a mockery of a centuries old tradition, one of the oldest traditions in the world, in the worst possible way?” An incredulous spokesperson angrily responded when asked. “Look, as long as we survive as an organisation, that’s all i really care about. I got a mortgage yo. I got bills. Now leave me alone, i’ve got T.I’s Dope Boyz in my headphones. That’s some real shit y’all. You can tell he ain’t no studio gangster. Ha! Get me, keeping it so real. And did you see how dope the opening ceremony was? Step off!”
“What’s that you say? Well, we happen to think it’s really great how the entire Brazilian public are right behind this and there hasn’t been a hint of cynicism. Now, for the second time, leave me alone, i’m listening to Outkast’s Two Dope Boyz In A Cadillac. That’s some real smooth shit to ride to, but only if you boasting 28 inch rims you feel me?”
At press time King Bee’s Back By Dope Demand could be heard blasting from one of the conference rooms where IOC delegates were supposed to be working out how they could make sure that nothing like this ever happens again.
Republican Party to turn to Bojack Horseman if Trump drops out
It has today leaked that the Republican Party will turn to washed up actor Bojack Horseman in the admittedly unlikely event that Donald Trump drops out of the race to become the 45th President.
“I’d like to stress that it’s not at all likely to happen,” an insider, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, eventually admitted when confronted. “But you just never know do you? Trump is so unpredictable and just does what he wants about two seconds after he wants to do it. We’ve given him so many pointers, so much advice, but he still manages to insult pretty much everyone except heterosexual white men.
“We just feel Bojack will be far more palatable to a mass audience. He’ll certainly be far more sensitive. We feel he’ll be better at staying on message and won’t be as narcissistic. We also feel it’d be harder for Putin to manipulate him. You know, he’s less likely to start a nuclear war if we actually somehow manage to win this election. Best of all, his hair actually looks normal. Even if it is horse hair.
“Bojack’s completely on board. He’s really excited at the prospect and feels it’d be a great way to reintroduce himself to the public. He also feels that his lodger Todd Chavez would make a great running mate. If i’m being really honest, we’re not too sure about that one. Given the way the campaign has been run we’re not sure how Republican voters would respond to a Latino candidate on the ticket.”
Brexiters to welcome Sam Allardyce’s 19th century football
Now that there’s been a little time to get used to the idea, Sam Allardyce’s appointment as England manager has proven to be very popular with Brexiters, who are keen to see his ‘19th century football’ strut it’s stuff on the international stage.
Football fan and Leave voter Steve James is especially excited.
“Whether or not you think Mourinho’s quip about ‘19th century football’ was a true assessment or just an insult to garner headlines following a bad result for his team, it’s generally in keeping with an outdated view on politics and, pretty much everything we believe in at the end of the day.” Steve commented. “As far as i’m concerned the entire 21st century is an example of political correctness gone horribly, terribly wrong. I don’t even really like the 20th century if i’m being really honest.
“Similarly to the Brexit vote, I’m going to throw my support behind the concept of 19th century football and ignore reason, logic and common sense in place of an entirely emotional response. All those fancy formations you see from all the foreigners are just stupid to me. Four, four two all the way if you ask me.”
Steve’s younger brother Mark said: “Steve’s not even embarrassed to say things like that out loud and in public. He’s spent way too much time listening to our Dad and our Uncles. If you think he sounds silly you should hear them once they’re on their third or fourth beer.
“Besides, everyone knows Harry Redknapp should be England manager. I wonder what he did to piss the FA off?”
Black Lives Matter denier not sure that every available excuse has been made.
Patricia Johns, who insists she ‘doesn’t see colour’, thinks the whole black lives matter protests are ‘a bit much’.
“I just think if that if they weren’t doing anything wrong the police wouldn’t treat them like that.” She said. “Let’s be honest, there’s a few bad apples but it’s not as if this is the latest manifestion of a centuries old problem that goes right to the heart of the establishment. Not at all.
“If we said something similar, like ‘white lives matter’, there’d be uproar. What’s that you say? Well I don’t see how I’m in denial and how it’s so bloody obvious. I’ll tell you something for nothing. I was the first person to buy a Bob Marley album on our street in the seventies, so I don’t see how I can be racist or an apologist for racism. All of this shouting and anger is so unnecessary. I mean why are they so angry? No, I didn’t mean ‘they’ like that.”
Black person Trey Kenyatta said: “I’ve spoken to lots of people since the protests and there are a lot of different opinions ranging from ‘we’re just happy this is in the news,’ to ‘why Heathrow and not the Home Office?’ I have sympathy with both of those approaches to a situation with no easy answers.
“Plus all the racists go triple batshit and that’s always good for a laugh. I think the fact they’re more annoyed by a traffic jam than the reason behind the protest kinda proves the point.”
Frustrated couple’s lost luggage arrives just as they check out of hotel
Keith and Nicole Flume were shocked and appalled when the luggage their airline lost en route to Barcelona arrived just as they were checking out of their hotel, having enjoyed a great week in a great city.
“You’d really think that the more well known airlines wouldn’t fuck things up quite so badly,” Keith fumed. “It really is unfathomable how they can be so bad at something so very, very simple.
“There we were, paying for the room service, and the mini cava’s and little diet cokes, when Nicole’s bag suddenly arrived. To be honest, by that point we’d kind of given up on seeing it ever again. If it wasn’t so annoying it could’ve been one of those ‘funny old world’ moments. But it was just all the way annoying. Not really funny at all. Human error happens, that’s fine, but we had to waste a whole morning going shopping for new stuff.”
Nicole added: “I can tell you that queuing for two and a half hours in a sweltering airport was not a great way to kick off our holiday. Everybody smelt like they’d just been to a ‘sweat as much as you can’ party in hell’s kitchen for one thing.
“It takes about two hours to fly to Barcelona. They could have flown that bag over about 80 times, 84 to be exact. They managed to do it once. When you face this level of incompetence you have to wonder if they’re doing it on purpose.”
Man with four daughters thinks nothing of playing misogynistic songs infront of them
Richard Hacqui, a divorced father of four wonderful daughters, thinks absolutely nothing of playing excessively misogynistic hip-hop and r’n’b infront of them.
“I’m not interested in all that headwrappy, incense burning, ‘let’s all be equals and try to be nice to each other’ wack shit. Miss me with that everytime,” he said.
“I mean, it’s not like it’s going to affect their attitude to men and inform their adult relationships? I think it’s really over the top to say that.
“As far as i’m concerned, i’m just being a cool Dad. I’m like that guy in the car advert who plays Dead Prez in the car while dropping his daughter off at school. What’s that you say? I don’t care if Dead Prez went out of their way to differentiate themselves from misogyny in hip-hop?
“Besides, i don’t see why at least one of them couldn’t have been a boy. I don’t think that’d be asking too much.”
Richard’s eldest Grace said: “it’s okay, we’ve always known Dad was a bit of a dickhead. Thank God Mum is a bit more switched on. She’s just bought me a Zora Neale Hurston anthology.”