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Sir John Chilcot set to take senior position with Southern Rail
Now that his report into the Iraq war is finally in the public domain it was announced today that Sir John Chilcot is happy to be taking a long since agreed role within the upper echelons of Southern Rail.
“We feel he’s the perfect person to complement our culture of delays,” a spokesperson said. “We’ve been keeping an eye on him for a little while. By year four we were impressed. By year seven, we knew for sure he was our man. Sure there may have been political pressure. The bureaucracy must have been a bitch. But seven years? Seven friggin’ years! Now that is a delay. This man is my god.
“He’ll slot in perfectly. We’re running out of excuses for just how truly terrible we actually are. We feel strongly that Sir John can excel in this respect.”
Sir John commented: “I take fucking ages to do everything. I’m always the last to finish my dinner. You should see how long it takes me to decide what to order. That’s really fun.
“I’m planning to be at least an hour late on my first day. I plan to blame it on train delays and if they fire me I won’t care. I’ll just get a job at TFL.”
Disgruntled Remain voter refuses to attend Grandmother’s party
Royally pissed off eighteen year old Josie Peters has refused to attend her Grandmother’s 74th birthday party after finding out she voted for Britain to leave the EU. She has insisted she isn’t being childish.
“Fair enough, some of my fellow youngsters have gone a bit far with the whole ‘blame every old person you come into contact with and refuse to give up your seat on the tube’ thing,” she conceded. “Some of the most important pro-Remain sentiments have come from older people who will never be able to forget the effects of xenophobia. And it’s been a couple of weeks since the vote. I’ll give you that.
“When I saw Paxman ask Nigel Lawson if it was fair for older people to saddle younger generations with their outdated views I thought it was quite rude. I thought: ‘oh that Paxman. He’s a one isn’t he.’ But that was when I thought Remain would win. Now I know what he means.”
“Similarly to belly buttons, we were so much better in. I just can’t believe this. The stuff she’s been coming out with since Leave won has been incredible. I always knew she was, shall we say, occasionally prone to racism. But i found a way to ignore it. Now it’s too much. My mates have started calling her the ‘ku klux gran’. I do not want that nickname to stick.”
Josie’s mum Carol is beside herself.
“I’ve tried everything but she just won’t budge. I blame that Jeremy Corbyn.”
“I’m still going to go to her funeral – whenever that is,” Josie said. “But it’s too soon to make nice now.”
Boris Johnson laughs at the gullible, misguided fools
Following his unexpected departure from the race to succeed David Cameron as Tory leader, Boris Johnson has insisted that the idiots who think they’ve seen the last of him are sorely mistaken.
“Okay so Gove got one over on me,” Boris said as he leant back in his darkened lair on a leather recliner, an elegant white kitten relaxing on his lap. “He stabbed me in the front, back and bollocks. Well played. Big deal. If he, or Theresa May, or whoever, wants to be Prime Minister right now, then bally well let them. Article 50 will be more painful than 50 Shades of Grey. In no time at all, they’ll be shouting the ‘safe’ word. They’ll bellow it. Scream even. But it won’t work. The pain will continue. And they’ll just have to take it.
“I can bide my time. Whoever wins will likely give me a job in the new government at some point. I’ll knock out a biography or two while I’m waiting. I might even write one on John Major. That’ll be a laugh. I was planning to wait until just before the 2020 election anyway. I can still wait.
“Do you think I care about members of the public shouting at me when i leave my house? Do you honestly think I give a single solitary about Ewan Macgregor tweeting at me? He’s a superlative thespian but I’m still going to be world king.”
Allowing himself a satisfying gulp of cognac, Johnson stroked his cat before wincing as it drove its claws deep into his thigh.
“I swear by the whiskers of Miss Tibbins that I will return! And when I’m Prime Minister, I will make sure that every police force in the land has at least ten water cannons! You haven’t seen the last of the Etonians. Buller Buller! Buller!”
Britain never actually stood alone, old black man reminds anyone and everyone
The oft repeated claim that Britain can stand alone again after voting to leave the EU, has been rubbished by the surviving Black and Asian soldiers who fought for Britain during two world wars.
Former solider Carlton Joseph from St.Lucia was particularly adamant about the whole thing.
“I was well aware of the irony of fighting for a system that was determined to deny me my basic human rights. Apart from a few sell-outs, we all were. But I held my nose and fought during World War II and if it wasn’t for the soldiers from the so called empire you might not have made it to 1942 when the US came to save the day. If it wasn’t for all the Indian soldiers in World War I you might not have made it to World War II. Getting laid a shitload of times while on leave only partially made up for it.”
Carlton shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he warmed to his theme.
“I know you get reminded about us every now and again. But it really needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Without us you would have been truly fucked. Don’t believe me? Think how bad things were with us. Elizabeth I was queen the last time this country truly stood alone.
“I know life is hard. I get that. But I’m not sure if this was not a good idea. You think the ‘commonwealth’ countries want to trade with you? Fuck outta here.
“The prejudice you’re seeing following this referendum is not that different to the shit we had to put up with from people who we risked our lives to protect.”
FA announce Frank Spencer is to be new England manager
Following their humiliating defeat against Iceland at Euro 2015 the FA have announced that
Frank Spencer, the star of 1970s sitcom Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, is to be the New England manager. His wife Betty is to be his number two.
An FA spokesperson was keen to talk up Spencer’s credentials.
“Well yes, he’s not the obvious choice, and, yes, he’s a fictional character, but that actually works for us. We like our managers to not really be there, to have a certain absent quality.
Feats, Times and Life made a special journey to TV Land in order to be the first to interview Frank, who was revelling in the glory of his new appointment.
“Well I’ve been very quiet since the late seventies but I think this is the perfect chance to show the public what I can do. Let’s face it I can’t be much worse than the last guy. Our ideas about football come from the same bygone era for one. I don’t understand all these new fangled formations and I don’t expect i ever will. But I’m going to give it a go. It can’t be as hard as rollerskating down a busy high street.
“With Betty at my side anything is possible.”
Internet troll scared to leave house
Internet troll Keith Simon has finally admitted to himself that he’s scared to leave his flat.
“It all began to go wrong when my girlfriend left me for the last time,” he said. “We just didn’t spend enough time together. I only got to see her a couple days as she was so busy with work. What with me working days and her working nights it just didn’t work out. But overall, it wasn’t a bad girlfriend experience.
“It’s not like I’ve agoraphobia or anything,” he continued. “That’s a recognised medical condition. I’m just a massive wanker whose nervous, forget that, bloody petrified, of real human contact. Or any kind of contact that doesn’t involve me typing offensive bile on my keyboard. I just prefer being indoors. I get all my shopping delivered.
“Anyway, got to go. I’m sure there’s a woman somewhere on Twitter whose getting ideas above her station. Wanting to have Jane Austen on a banknote or something equally ridiculous like being an MP. Good job there’s people like me to keep them in check really. I provide a public service.”