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‘No f**ks to be given,’ pledges Obama
Barack Obama has insisted the noticeably increased lack of fucks given is going to continue to be a thing as he nears the end of his presidency.
“At times like this, I think of all those who were determined to make me a one-term President,” he remarked. “I can assure you and the American people that I give less of a fuck than Big Sean and I don’t fuck with you. I give less of a fuck than Eminem in ’97. Whaddup, Detroit.
“Did you see me up in Cuba not giving a fuck? Did you see me not giving a fuck what the In campaign thinks about me opposing Brexit? You see Harriet Tubman is gonna be on a twenty? I did that! You see me beat-boxing up in Vietnam? POTUS beat-boxing in fucking Vietnam! You ever thought you’d see that happen?
“You see me telling Hillary that real shit at the White House Correspondents Dinner? You think I’d have got away with that during primary season in ’08? Best of all, I’m the President that removed ‘negro’ and ‘oriental’ from official language. They were really mad about that one.”
At press time, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that, in time-honoured fashion, if President Obama had a pocketful of fucks he wouldn’t give you one.
Lightweight swears to never fall asleep on Tube/public transport again
Self-proclaimed lightweight Matthew Evans has sworn up and down to anyone who will listen that he will never fall asleep while drunk and tired on public transport ever again.
“You know how people say ‘never say never?’ Well I’m saying ‘never’. It’s just happened too many times. It doesn’t matter if it’s a night bus or the last Tube. I think I’m fine, I think to myself: ‘Oh, I’ll be home in the warm in about twenty minutes.’ And then the next thing I know I’m at the end of the line with either an irate driver or bemused cleaner staring at me.
“That moment when I suddenly jolt awake and realise I’ve gone and done it again is just horrible. It’s also actually really dangerous. You never know what could happen. I’m always thankful when I realise that I still have my wallet, keys and phone. In that order.
“I had a few of those really strong craft beers the other night. That was a good idea wasn’t it? I had to get carried out of there and put in a cab. Luckily I was with old friends. Can you imagine if that was a first date or something?
“You should’ve seen me after last year’s Christmas party. I woke up on the DLR at about 2 in the morning, and walked around Greenwich for about half an hour before I found a stupidly expensive cab. Not happening again.”
Man who was bullied at school denies scary dog makes him feel more masculine
Jerry Thomas, owner of three pitbulls and two rottweilers, has angrily denied that the principal purpose of his dogs is to make him feel more of a real man should he accidentally run into any of the many tormentors who bullied him at school.
“I really don’t know where people get this shit from,” he replied curtly while struggling to hold onto all five leashes at the local park. “I’m not trying to be intimidating when I let them go up to people and jump around and bark and stuff. Just because I know it makes them feel nervous it doesn’t mean that I’m using them as some sort of masculinity prop.
“But I tell you something. If someone breaks into my house they’re going to have a hard time taking something. Even if they down one of the dogs, there’s four more of them ready to bite a burglar’s balls off.”
Jerry’s girlfriend Marsha is having none of it.
“He always waits until right up to the last possible second before calling them off. I’d probably understand if it was the actual bullies – when he feeds them he pretends the food is the former bullies. Up until recently, Tyson, the youngest pitbull, thought ‘steak’ was called ‘Marlon Bunce’ – but it’s just random people trying to enjoy the nice weather.”
At press time Jerry was said to be walking through Clapham Common with Redman and Method Man’s Big Dogs playing at full volume in his headphones.
Die-hard Top Gear fans disappointed by lack of xenophobia
TNFODHTGF, The National Federation of Die Hard Top Gear Fans, are to lodge an official complaint with the BBC following the new version of the show presented by Chris Evans and former Friends star Matt LeBlanc.
“There’s been a lot of fuss since the first couple broadcasts but if you ask me everybody’s kind of missing the point,” TNFODHTGF spokesperson Billy Bulldog said. “Obviously I like cars and that. Especially vintage cars. But I also liked hearing Clarkson saying the kind of things that you really shouldn’t every now and again. Or the kind of things the politically correct brigade try to stop us from saying. Let them try.
“It doesn’t have to be loads and loads of barbs all the time. Just a reassuring comment every now and again to remind us the British are the absolute best. I’ll be happy with that.
“Chris Evans? Are you fucking serious. Gingers are practically black as far as I’m concerned. And the Yank? Don’t get me fucking started with the Yank! We invented cars first, mate. Don’t talk to me about Henry Ford, he must have nicked the idea off someone British.
“What’s that you say? Karl Benz? A German!! Do you want a fucking fight?”
Man who popped into pub for quick pint ecstatic to find girlfriend’s workmates there
After deciding to pop into his local for a quick one insurance broker Jack Norman was ecstatic to run into June, a colleague of his girlfriend Yazmeen.
“When I claimed I’d just come in for a quick one it may have looked like I was just making excuses,” recalled Jack. “But I really was planning on just having one quick one before a quiet night.”
“When I saw him at the bar I felt obliged to ask him to join us.” June explained. “I had to say something to fill the awkward silence that threatened to swallow us both up after we’d exchanged initial pleasantries.”
At this point, Jack felt as though he was trapped.
“I couldn’t really say no. It’s not that she’s not really nice and everything. She’s one of the few people Yazmeen actually gets on with. But instead of a quiet, refreshing pint I had to make small talk with all of these strangers. There were seven of them as well! Worst of all, after being introduced to some of them I recognised their names as people Yazmeen hates.
“The next time I decide to go there I’m gonna case the joint and look in the main window before I go in. It’s either that or some elaborate disguise. I have the decency to work in an area far from home. I can’t believe my lady can’t show the same courtesy.”
It’d be much better if Harry Redknapp was manager, English fans admit to each other
While no one in the national press will ever admit it, as Euro 2016 fast approaches, a growing number of England fans are realising they’d fancy the national teams chances of actually winning the damn thing much more if Harry Redknapp was manager.
“It’s not that Roy Hodgson isn’t an incredibly cultured, multi-lingual, well-travelled and seemingly very decent gentleman,” football fan Troy Bloindem explained diplomatically. “It’s just that he doesn’t have that spark Harry has.
“And while everyone has an opinion on the final 23 I really have to say that taking Rashford instead of Jermain Defoe is a bit silly. Rashford has had a great breakthrough season and is a real prospect. But Jermain Defoe just helped save Sunderland from relegation! If we’re losing 2-1 in the quarter final, would you want Batman or Robin to come off the bench?”
Troy’s friend Carrie agreed.
“Let’s be real, Hodgson is pretty much indicative of the FA’s need for someone who won’t rock the boat. He’s a safe pair of hands. But do safe pairs of hands win tournaments? Do you think Roy Hodgson puts the fear of God into the German, Spanish or Belgian manager? I just can’t see any of them being scared of sharing a touchline with him.
“Look at how shit we were in The World Cup. Wouldn’t it be great to see Harry leaning out of a car window, or even looking out of a coach window? Or doing something, anything, in an official capacity for England? I might even prefer Gary Neville.
“Don’t get me wrong, Roy has tried to change and I’ll get behind him. Obviously I want him to do well. I’m just scared we might need someone with a bit more oomph. Hope I’m proved wrong.”