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Piers Morgan to campaign for new warning labels on music.
In order to compensate for the trauma of having just a few of the harsh realities of racism encroach into his privileged world, Piers Morgan has reportedly started a campaign to introduce a new ratings system for albums.
Inspired by Tipper Gore’s famous mid-1980s campaign against swearing and sexual content, Morgan would like stickers, or labels of some sort, to warn him off political content that he clearly isn’t able to fully understand, yet doesn’t like.
“I much preferred Beyonce when she was safe and didn’t force me to contemplate social injustice when I, as a white man, don’t suffer any,” he said. “Is Beyonce using her platform as one of the worlds top artists to give the mothers who’ve suffered these terrible tragedies validation in a way the mainstream media outlets i work for never could even if they wanted to? No way!
“Look, black people might have to deal with the possibility of these threats to themselves and their families all day – and everyday for their entire lives – but Beyonce forced me to think about these issues for a few hours when i’d have preferred to have been relaxing. I can tell you that it was a few hours longer than i’d have like and it was very upsetting.
“I think they should do something like those parental advisory stickers. We could have one that said something like ‘angry black woman moaning about social injustice.’ And then i’d know to avoid it like the plague. Or one of my TV shows.”
Alan Hansen takes egg off of his face and smears it onto Gary Lineker’s.
Now that Leicester City have actually done the seemingly impossible and won the Premier League title, Gary Lineker’s comments at the start of the season about Claudio Ranieri’s appointment being ‘an uninspired choice’ have taken their rightful place alongside Liverpool legend Alan Hansen’s infamous assertion that ‘you’ll never win anything with kids’ which was proved wrong by Manchester United in the early nineties.
Hansen mischievously decided to mark the occasion by waiting for Lineker to finally leave his house on the day after his ‘we won the league’ party to commit a heinous drive by egging.
“Take that Lineker,” Hansen screamed triumphantly as he awkwardly reached for a hanky with his clean hand to wipe the last few remaining bits of yolk clinging to his face.
“You and friggin’ Lawrenson laughed at me in The Match Of The Day studio for years and i had to sit there and take it like a chump. Well i knew my day was coming. I always knew. And now it has.”
To his credit, Lineker, like most football fans, was so overjoyed at a genuinely heartwarming story that he let Hansen off.
“He’s missed us all a bit since he retired, so i didn’t really have the heart to get mad when he suddenly appeared and went for me while opening a box of half a dozen medium sized from the local supermarket. I didn’t expect him to enjoy it quite so much to be honest though.”
At press time it was confirmed that Mr Lineker is a great sport and deserved to be let off for his amazing goal in the 1990 World Cup semi-final if nothing else.
Office manager determined to find out which colleague leaves toilet in disgusting mess.
Office manager Troy Harkerson is becoming increasingly determined to find out which of his co-worker’s regularly leaves the staff toilets looking like a dung beetle convention.
“It might be this one guy who walked out of the cubicles while i was washing our hands. He blatantly wasn’t going to wash his but when he saw me he decided to half heartedly make a weak effort.
“Another time I saw that same guy in the kitchen downing the last dregs from a cup of coffee. He then ran it under the tap for like half a millisecond and then put it back on the rack like ‘yeah that cup is clean now.’ I feel sorry for whoever drank from that cup afterwards.
Troy began to well up as he described the worst aspects of the problem.
“Cleaning it up is the last thing I want to do but if I leave it like it is the next person who uses it might think it’s me. If they don’t see me leaving the cubicle they’ll see me walking away. Or they may see me coming back down the stairs. They may have just seen me leave my seat to obviously go to the toilet. It’s on the toilet seat, all round the bowl, there’s even a little on the floor. It’s everywhere. Who the fuck raised this person?
My partner tried to tell me that installing a camera was going too far. Well fuck that. If this persists i might just have to go all John Le Carre on that ass and leave a hidden camera in there. I will do that shit. No pun intended.”
Sadiq Khan secret head of Isis, says Goldsmith campaign.
As the 2016 mayoral campaign draws to a close the Goldsmith campaign have revealed that they didn’t go far as far they should with their attacks on Sadiq Khan, because he is actually the head of Isis.
“It’s worse than we thought,” a spokesperson said gravely at the hastily arranged press conference.
“His campaign to be mayor is nothing more an elaborate plan to make an attack on London all the more easier. It’s kind of like one of those movies where the goodie turns out to be the baddest baddie right at the end but nobody finds out before it’s too late. If you elect Mr Khan you’ll be doing the same to London.
“How does he maintain influence and wield power in that world while seemingly living the life of a London MP? Well it worked for almost every villain ever on Scooby Doo, plus almost every comic book baddie i’ve ever come across so i don’t see why he should be any different.”
Londoner Charlie Horton was having none of it.
“This may work elsewhere, but if they think Londoners are going to fall for this shit they’ve really misjudged their audience.”
Armchair racist John Hierny, who wants to leave London at the earliest opportunity, feels validated by the announcement.
“Well, he’s one of them so you can never be really sure can you? I hate immigration so i’m moving to Spain.”
Birthday boy outraged that friends girlfriend will be present on lads night out.
The more he thinks about it, the more Jamal Robertson becomes apoplectic with rage that some of his mates will be bringing their girlfriends with them on the night out he’s planned for his birthday.
“No I don’t think it’s ridiculous, and ridiculously childish, sexism. And no! It’s not just ‘cos I don’t have a girlfriend of my own,” Jamal said when asked.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting it to be just lads, just mans dem, just the boys, just people with penises. Why is that such a big deal?”
Jamal’s mate Rob, who actually enjoys his girlfriends company, is close to losing his patience.
“He’s always been a bit of a prick if I’m being really honest. I always kinda worry he’s gonna start shit for no good reason. I don’t know why I stay friends with him. If he gives my mrs any shit next Saturday we’re gonna have serious words.”
“Okay I admit it, if I didn’t pull, I was going to suggest going to a strip club once we leave the Club. Can’t do that if there’s women there can you. There. It’s out in the open. Happy now?”
He’s always been a bit of a prick if I’m being really honest. I don’t know why I stay friends with him.
There actually is special place in hell for Hillsborough wrongdoers Devil informs public
In a rare and hastily arranged press conference held earlier this week the anti-Christ travelled up from hell to let humanity know that he has some special treats in store for those found to be at fault over the Hillsborough tragedy.
“It’s actually kind of ironic,” Beelzebub commented to a packed room of journos at a smart central London hotel. “After a few years of listening to you pathetic humans use the phrase ‘special place in hell’ myself and my acolytes began using it as a joke and then it just kinda became a thing you know.
“Seriously, I mean I know I’m the most evil entity to ever be inflicted on planet earth but these guys? I just can’t fathom it. It really beats the shit out of me. If there was real regret it would have surfaced before anyone got caught. If there was real remorse there wouldn’t have been obstacles in the way of justice and it wouldn’t have taken 27 years.
“I wouldn’t have done anything like that to Jesus and, believe me, I hated his guts. I really fucking hated that guy. No redeeming features. For once I’m going to be the good guy.”