Oscars, the Night Tube and Cecil Rhodes

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Organisers of the Academy Awards promise to make amends

Organisers of the Oscars have responded to the disbelief and anger that not one black actor or actress received nominations for this year’s ceremony by ensuring that they hire plenty of black waiting staff, valet parkers, cloakroom attendants and obviously, naturally, cleaners.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the situation was keen to lay out the thought process behind the new move.

“We’ve taken our inspiration from Hattie McDaniel’s timeless role in Gone With The Wind. We feel that it’s a great way to recognise and reward the enormous contributions made by black people in the film world over the last year. It’s entirely representative of where we want them to be and how we want them to see themselves. We briefly considered getting more black actors to present awards. But after a little thought, we decided against that. We’d much prefer they were in the background where they’re not so visible.

“Besides, we’ve already shown our commitment to diversity by hiring a black man to host the event and we feel these aforementioned steps further underline that effort.”

Aspiring black filmmaker Jamal Patience had to be persuaded to comment on record using his real name, for fear his career would suffer from speaking out.

“Look it’s not like we expect anything really real from these people, these institutions. But when they rub your face in it like that, when they make it that friggin’ obvious, it’s hard to ignore.
I mean the situation with Straight Outta Compton just lays it all bare. This is a movie about N.W.A! The movie is about N.W.A! And the only two people to get a nod from the Academy are two white writers? I remember seeing Ice Cube’s son as baby when he brought him out on stage at Brixton Academy in ’92. I’d love to see O’seha Jr win an Oscar. The whole thing with Creed is bad enough. But the way they handled Straight Outta Compton? I don’t even know how to describe that.”

The race is on to identify 2016’s food trend

Competitive foodies who want to identify 2016’s defining food trend as early as possible are said to be keenly scouring the cafes, delicatessans and street food vendors of Shoreditch, Hackney, Crouch End, Stoke Newington, Peckham and, of course, Brixton Village. As January progresses, the often silent competition is gathering pace.

“I spent all last Saturday at it,” admitted Delilah an SEO/Social Media account manager at Hipstertrendy.co.uk. “I was the first customer in my local deli. Then, a few hours later, once i’d spent £7.50 on my Oystercard I thought ‘what the hell i might as well get my money’s worth’ and went straight down to Borough Market.”

When questioned further, Delilah strongly denied that her motives are motivated by a weird, and completely unnecessary, competitive edge.

“If i can identify the trend now, when my friends bring it up in spring or even summer i can affect nonchalance and then say ‘oh that? I’ve been eating that since just after Christmas.’ Then i’ll totally move onto another completely different subject like it’s not a big deal. But they’ll know. They’ll know i was there first. And they’ll know i know. I was the first in our group to discover kale and the glow has never really left.
“You watch 2016. My Instagram is going to be on fleek. That’s what they’re saying now isn’t it? I’m sure i’ve heard that. I better go and check.”

Double standards within media to continue

TIFORWNO, The International Federation of Right Wing News Outlets, has announced plans for a new annual convention to help them pool resources in their never ending quest to find new reasons why events that look and smell like terrorism, are actually not terrorism because the people responsible are white.

“Well we figured this kind of thing was going to be happening more and more so we might as well plan for it right?” Event organiser Steve Harr insisted.

“The situations are very different. How can you say that this is double standards and selective amnesia? I’ll tell you something, the book those guys in Oregon brandish, The Constitution Of The United States, is not a religious book. So it’s completely different. The fact that all terrorists like to brandish is irrelevant. Besides, they listen to country and western and not that awful Middle eastern stuff so they can’t be terrorists.”

News producer Todd Harriyat was less enthused, and didn’t seem like he was looking forward to the convention.

“I’m kinda bummed if i’m being really honest,” he conceded. “It’d be quite easy to make the narrative about troubled white men but that’s just not what our audience wants to hear. There’s so much stuff you could mention. Timothy Mcveigh. A million mass shootings. Dylann Roof. You could even mention the bombing of black churches and the bombings of black towns in the US during the early part of the twentieth century.
“On the bright side, I hear the caterers for the convention are out of this world.”

Long awaited Night Tube isn’t going to happen anytime soon

The eagerly anticipated Night Tube continues to be the cause of intense disagreement between TFL and the unions. Strike action, and the continued threat of strike action, seems to be the order of the day for the concerned parties.

The all-night Tube was due to run on weekends from September 12 2015, a date that seems increasingly ridiculous as time drags on.

When questioned, spokesperson Mr G Radgrind was not confident of finding a speedy solution. “Regrettably, they’re not going let us take the complete piss out of these people’s lives. So we’re going to have to come up with some other plan. Obviously not one which involves paying them a wage which reflects the true value of their labour and respects them as human beings.”

Suppressing a chuckle he added: “Do you seriously think I give a fuck about their work life balance?”

Tube driver and all round decent person Trevor Collins said: ‘I signed up to work certain hours and without warning they suddenly wanted to change that. Do they really think i want to live like a vampire?”

Seasonal Adjustment Disorder sufferers to hibernate until March

A significant proportion of those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder are getting ready to hibernate until it is safe to venture into a beer garden with only one upper layer of clothing, preferably a t-shirt.

Sad sufferer Bernie Patterson, who has only just got over the trauma of wearing his ‘big coat’, for the past few months has insisted that this year he’s ready.

“Last winter was truly horrible. I spent night after night rocking back and forth in a corner of my bathroom while Stevie Wonder’s Summer Soft played on repeat on my bluetooth speaker. I tried playing Summertime by Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince a few times to change it up a little bit, but it just doesn’t have the same effect. Summer Breeze by The Isley Brother’s was a little better. But then i hit my head on the sink.

“This year? I’m prepared. I’m just going to sleep through it all. If it’s good enough for primates, bears and the like, then it’s good enough for me.”

At press time a breakaway sect of more extreme sufferers said they planned to hibernate until it’s definitely warm enough to wear shorts.

“Just to be on the safe side, we’re gonna be under until at least May, maybe even June,” spokesperson Henry Bishop confirmed.

“It’s not that bad before Christmas, ‘cos at least you have the festive season to paper over the cracks. But it gets real in January. Fuck January.”

End of the Rhodes?

The row over Oxford University’s statue of colonial era murder-holic Cecil Rhodes doesn’t show any signs of going away.

The removal of Oriel College’s plaque that honoured the man who played an especially enthusiastic part in the violence that resulted in British privileges and advancement will most likely prove to be the calm before an academic storm that will surely play a significant part in defining approaches to imperialism in the 21st century.

Oxford resident and Oriel college alumni Stanley Denhile was unrepentant when asked about the situation.

“Well let’s face it, the Africans were bloody stupid before we went over and showed them what to do with all of their natural resources. The simple fact of the matter is we like having it around the place. It reminds us of the good old days. Yes, he was instrumental in paving the way for apartheid, and, at the very least, was an inspiration for many of the Nazi party’s big fish. But things were different in those days. Now shut up, Zulu’s on the telly.”
History student Solomon Chunikeze is sick and tired.

“This is not about contemporary politics or political correctness or 21st century values or any of that kind of stuff. Britain’s imperial history is not complex. There was lots and lots of murdering and even more stealing. Remember what Rhodes told Gladstone? If he’d left us and our diamonds alone foreign students wouldn’t need a fucking scholarship would they? Doesn’t it speak volumes that South Africa was the last place that had this argument?”

Russell Myrie

About Russell Myrie

Russell Myrie is a former music journalist and the author of Don't Rhyme For The Sake Of Riddlin', the official Public Enemy biography. He's currently working on his debut novel. Russell is represented by Litro Represents.

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