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As part of their commitment to protecting and preserving the dignity of working families, a growing number of leading Conservatives are calling for a formal reintroduction of feudalism.
Douglas Sternhope, Tory MP for Crapshire West, insisted that they wanted to improve the self-esteem of working families hit hard by continuing economic difficulties.
“We want to empower people to know their place in society,” he said. “We want to banish the stigma of poverty by removing all hope of any social mobility. That way people won’t be classed as poor or less well off, and they will be more willing to accept their place in the great scheme of things. Being classed as a serf will give those with no direction a clearly defined role in life.”
“Besides,” he added. “The situation we’ve created is pretty much the same so we might as well make it official.”
Sections of the right wing media have enthusiastically backed the call saying it represents a return to “traditional values”.
Heartless journalist Morris Trotherd vigorously defended his stance when challenged.
“Look, if I play the game I might get a shot at writing one of their biographies in a few years. And then I’ll be coining it in. So I don’t really give a shit.”
IFFP attempts to put pontification bill through the court of Sky Sports
The International Federation of Football Pundits has today attempted to force through legislation to make unnecessary hyperbole an integral part of commentary, particularly at half time.
“It’s necessary to make boring games where not much has happened seem significantly more interesting than they actually are,” spokesperson Ian Fairweather explained. “We really need that subscription money to keep on rolling in. We have about five to ten minutes at half time and even longer at full time to fill with inane chatter and fake banter and if we have to do so with an inconsequential referring decision then damn it that’s what we’re gonna do. Okay?”
Retired player turned pundit Rob Mundane concurred: “I feel exactly the same way about largely innocuous tackles. If i can make a relatively harmless tackle seem potentially career ending that’ll take me right through to the ad break that precedes the second half.
“I’m shameless me. I once spent four minutes pontificating unnecessarily about a foul throw.”
Pundits who work within less popular sports like cricket and rugby are said to be monitoring events closely.
Pedantic dinner lady stands firm for the cause
A pedantic, jobs-worthy dinner lady has today explained the necessities of ruling lunchtime with an iron fist.
“If you let ‘em, they’ll try you in the same way Sosa tried Tony Montana. And you know I can’t be having that shit. So between 12.05 and 12.55 I stay on point.” Dinner lady Gladys Comber said. “Everyone from the head right through to the newest year seven gets the same treatment. Find out if I give a fuck. I make the rules around this here cafeteria.”
A series of increasingly troubling lunchtime incidents has focussed attention on the newly built academy in Holland Park.
“Thug life fool. You know I don’t play that shit. You tell ‘em Marjorie,” Gladys continued indicating her second-in command Marjorie Leadbetter, who was stood to her immediate right.
“Hmm mmm sho’ you right,” Marjorie agreed while absent mindedly fiddling with her bandana and gold chain.
“Just yesterday a trainee teacher tried to take a granola bar, when it’s clearly not a part of the meal deal he’s allowed to have. When I saw what was happening, I leapt over the counter, put him in a chokehold, and carried him off to be waterboarded until he admitted who put him up to it.”
Charity adverts still utilising 19th century stereotypes in 21st century
Despite it being 2015, the tiny minds behind TV advertisements for many well known charities are still portraying the continent of Africa in a way that 19th-century imperialists would readily recognise.
Whether by accident or design, the advertisements without doubt pander to a host of disgusting, and truly tired, stereotypes. Critics of the approach have dismissed it as yet another modern day example of the ‘white man’s burden’ approach and part of the wider narrative that paints Africa as essentially useless and in dire need of help from infinitely more sophisticated and generally superior Europeans.
Ghanaian Kofi Asante can’t believe that shit like this is not only still around, but helps form the dominant narrative.
“If we’re so poor and useless and don’t have anything, why did the British call our country The Gold Cost? Riddle me that eh? You ever thought about that shit while making your fucking stupid first world problem’s jokes?”
Meanwhile, spokesperson Rod Gilbert from well known charity Teach A Man To Fish defended the strategy.
“Our first, and indeed only, aim is to help people in need as quickly as we possibly can. If that involves relentlessly patronising them, and relying on ridiculous, self serving clichés, i make no apology for having the guts to be bold enough to do what needs to be done.”
Lonely elderly lady secretly glad noisy students are new neighbours
Elderly stick in the mud Florence Jarper is secretly overjoyed that a bunch of noisy students have moved in next door to her.
“Oh sure I act like it’s the end of the world. But secretly I’m full of beans,” Jarper admitted. “I’m going to be complaining about shit morning, noon and night. I’m particularly looking forward to going round first thing after a party to see if I can make their hangovers that tiny bit more unbearable. I’m going to bang on their front door as hard as i can, and if they don’t answer that means i get to keep on banging.”
The previous tenants were a specially selected coterie of Trappist and Cistercian monks who were taking part in a reality TV programme to see who could make the least amount of noise. The former group of monks won due to the Cistercian’s unreasonably heavy breathing.
“I didn’t get any mileage out of them at all.” Jarper recalled with a bitter scowl. “Of course if my husband Cyril was still alive there wouldn’t be any need for this sort of thing.”
Media outlets try not to name suspect connected with mass shooting but think “aaah, fuck it”
Despite vowing not to name the latest perpetrator in the latest mass shooting in the United States a plethora of media outlets worldwide, found that, when it really came down to it, they just couldn’t help themselves.
Roving reporter Diana Frintern today attempted to defend the media from the increasing criticism.
“We didn’t want to, and at first we were all adamant that this time we were really going to stick to our guns. But then everyone else named him – it’s always a him – and, you know, we really didn’t want to be left out. The competition for ratings is really intense and we just have to do everything we can.”
Are we knowingly contributing to the problem by giving them the perverse publicity they so desperately crave? Well, yes we are. But look, here’s the thing. I’ve just had my teeth whitened and multi-coloured highlights put in my hair. And i personally think i look pretty amazing on camera.”
News anchor Dwight Dean agreed: “Everyone i’ve asked agrees that with my new haircut i could easily be mistaken for David Beckham from my left side.”
At press time, Ms Frintern was insisting that next time it happens, they’re going to try really hard to have actual principles.
“There’s even a possibility we won’t make it the leading item. That’ll show ‘em.”
New Mallet’s Mallet style PMQ’s to be announced imminently
If the word on the street within the Westminster Village is to be believed, plans to replace the current PMQ’s format with something more reminiscent of 80’s children’s gameshow Mallet’s Mallet are already at an advanced stage.
Prime Minister David Cameron’s continued refusal to answer simple questions has been the main impetus for the change. Speaking on condition of anonymity our source within Westminster said: “It’s already a sort of word association game where he talks around a general subject instead of focusing on the specific question and/or matter at hand so we all thought we’d just go the whole hog and completely change things.”
He added: “Our hopes for the promised more respectful ‘new style’ PMQ’s have long since been dashed so we thought this was worth a try.”
Therefore, instead of calling for order as has traditionally been the case, speaker John Bercow will now start proceedings by informing the house: ‘it’s a word association game. You can’t pause, you can’t hesitate, or you get a bash on the head like this, or like this.’
Timmy Mallet refused to get involved when his requests to attend PMQ’s wearing an isty bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini were refused by the parliamentary committee.